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Us Good, Them Bad

Our greatest enemy in the fight for what's right is the opposition party.
 
 
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Ladies and Gentlemen, America is at a crossroads. At this very moment we are under attack by an insidious enemy. Enemies masquerading as a friend, but whose sole intention is to service the special interests controlling them like a Sequatchie paw in a felt hand puppet. An enemy whose primary aim is to line the pockets of their corrupt cronies at the expense of ordinary taxpayers. An enemy dragging this country into the chasm of ruinous ruin, which is why, against my better instincts, I find myself compelled to speak to you on the subject at this time. Because, ladies and gentlemen, I love this country much too much to be able to sit by and let this betrayal of all the principles we stand for (the good ones), be subverted in such a base and dastardly manner by this group of domestic terrorists. And that enemy, my friends is the opposition party.

Let me assure you that when it comes to the other political party, I have always respected their opinion and welcomed their suggestions, no matter how ludicrous and harebrained they may have been, for surely we are all involved in this great experiment of democracy together. And by refusing to work with each other, I guarantee you it will not be either of us that will suffer, but you, the citizens of our great country, who will pay the price. The citizens of our great country and maybe a few isolated incumbents in certain vulnerable districts. Targeted districts, ladies and gentlemen.

What I object to most is their attitude. The condescending "we know so much more than you do, its an effort to keep from snickering when you speak" attitude they perfected. Tucking away the will of "we, the people" into a discarded Kleenex they blow their nose on while busy auctioning illicit favors to the highest bidder. Not to mention their insufferably arrogant practice of resorting to finger pointing instead of engaging in the difficult job of exploring the achievable solutions we propose. But what really ticks me off is their transparent strategy of recklessly replacing reason with volume and logic with stridency. Their willingness to place party politics above the best interests of the American people. That and their alarming lack of any sort of recognizable personal hygiene regimen.

I can't count the number of times the leaders of our party went out of our way to extend a tentative olive branch only to recoil from the snapping jaws of obstinance attempting to clamp our hands off at the wrist.

Its not simply the stubborn and intractable positions they hold on old fashioned and archaic philosophies causing this polarization but also their failed petty schemes fostering partisan strife over co-operation. I can't begin to relate the frustration we feel faced with their refusal to acknowledge their insignificance to the fair and right and true and just ideologies like those we have copyrighted.

Make no mistake -- they are the bad guys. I know they say we are the bad guys, but they're wrong, they're the bad guys. They smile to your face, but never allow you to sneak a peek behind their back in fear you'll see their hands in a death grip around the neck of our freedoms. Now is the time to raise the level of public discourse above that of a shouting match, and for us to roll up our sleeves and get to work on the important job of pointing this country in the right direction again. Our direction. And the best way to insure that, nay, the only way to insure that, ladies and gentlemen, is to replace all of them with us. Thank you. And God bless America.

Will Durst is so good, he's bad.