The Species of the Origin

Not long ago, the European Union, which would be called the United States of Europe except that they're not united and not states, released a list of 41 food items which have names they say should only be used when a product is made in a specific area and manner. European areas and manners, of course. And why not? We all know Europeans have better manners than we do. Then again, who doesn't?

They say all champagne should come from the Champagne region of France, feta cheese should be made only in Greece, and haggis should be exclusively cooked up in Scotland. Just kidding about the haggis. It doesn't really need to be protected since no one else in the world has ever considered boiling lamb offal and oatmeal in a sheep's stomach, not even in Biafra during the worst of their famine.

Other food names the EU wants reserved include Bordeaux, ouzo, Gorgonzola, and Italian Parma ham, which the Italians are upset about because they can't sell it in Canada under that name. It seems a company there already holds the trademark to "Parma Ham" for a product it makes in Canada. Parma, Ontario, Canada, of course. If this doesn't get straightened out quickly the Italians might retaliate by making their own Canada Dry ginger ale, Prince Albert tobacco, and Canadian bacon, which would actually be a money saver when they cook up Hawaiian pizzas. Right, like any self-respecting Italian would want pineapple and Canadian bacon on a pizza. Of course this could open a whole new can of, uh, pineapple, since Hawaii might decide that no one but they have the right to use their state's name on a pizza. See how quickly this gets messy?

This is far from a new battle. In 1994 the United States and the European Union agreed to respect some of each other's products, but only if we promised to learn how to pronounce crêpe, Liebfraumilch, and croissant without sounding like we have a mouth full of each. As a result of this agreement, no one in Europe can call their whiskey bourbon and we can't call ours Scotch. Luckily we're still allowed to make the only Scotch tape, which proves how strong the adhesive tape lobby is in this country. I think I'd better contact my agent quickly and see if she can sell that phrase to the tape lobby to use as their official slogan.

Although U.S. vintners aren't yet barred from using the name champagne, out of respect for the bubbly product which originated in France, many already use terms like sparkling wine, Methode Champenoise, and Cold Duck to differentiate their products from beverages you'd enjoy drinking. Lest you think the EU is being too demanding, remember that they haven't asked that all frankfurters be made in Frankfurt, Danish pastries baked in Denmark, or English Leather made in England. Just kidding about the last one. Everyone knows English Leather comes from a decomposing landfill in Lodi, New Jersey.

The Europeans aren't the only ones becoming possessive about their products. In India they say Darjeeling tea should only come from their country, while Thailand claims the name Basmati rice should be exclusively theirs. Here in the United States we have our own products to protect. Like American cheese. Even though no other country has ever shown any interest in making it -- probably because they're afraid to find out what's in it or why it comes individually wrapped in plastic like Cheese For Dummies -- we shouldn't take any chances. After all, there's no telling how vindictive the EU might feel if Wisconsin doesn't stop making feta. That's why we should bargain hard to ensure that no one in Europe tries to make Mississippi mud pie, New York style pizza, or Rocky Mountain oysters, not that it's likely anyone would consider doing the latter. At least not if they have any idea what they really are.