News & Politics

Recall Delay Winners and Losers

Will Rogers said, "It's easy being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
Like a giggling gang of nocturnal carnies, the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals staked a renegade tent inside the grounds of the traveling freak show that is the California recall election by postponing it for five months until March. Throwing a counter spinning jet engine turbo into the vortex that is politics here in the Golden Plated State, a three person panel of judges agreed with lawyers from the ACLU, citing a precedent set by the US Supreme Court in Gore V. Bush, in which the highest of high courts decreed it unconstitutional to treat ballots in one county differently from other parts of the state. In other words, the very ruling that handed Bush the Presidency could cost the Republicans their left coast electoral mutiny. And if that doesn't tickle your irony bone, its time to scale back on the Prosac.

Will Rogers said, "It's easy being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you" and he didn't even live in California. Conventional wisdom holds that these slow tracks to the recall will be pulled by either an 11 member big boy meeting of the 9th Circuit or by the US supreme Court itself, but conventional wisdom in this state is never all that conventional nor exceptionally wise. What remains undeniable is this judicial monkey wrench has produced a long list of affected parties not all of whom fall into the expected slots of winners and losers. You have questions? I have answers.

Winners and Losers in the California Recall Election Delay.

  • George W Bush. Loser.

    For any number of reasons: Rovian strategy set back on its ear, that stupid 3rd grade class picture haircut, and he's a big fat liar. But mostly because I just like saying it. Go ahead, try it yourself. "George W Bush. Loser." Got a nice ring to it, don't it?

  • The Democratic Presidential Candidates. Losers.

    Designation remains unchanged and appears to be edging dangerously close to permanent status. Stickers are being readied.

  • Cruz Bustamante. Winner.

    In attempt to compete with Arnold's charisma, our two stepping Lieutenant Governor now has time to put together a crack crew to surreptitiously train Hector Elizondo as campaign trail replacement.

  • Arianna Huffington. Winner.

    The Zsa Zsa Gabor of politics now able to effect another 180 degree philosophical turnaround. Maybe even a couple. Who knows, if the delay is upheld there could be enough time for a 540 degree turnaround.

  • Election campaign workers. Winners.

    Can you say triple holiday weekend overtime?

  • Network news crews. Winners.

    Spending the winter in San Francisco, San Diego and Los Angeles versus tromping around the semi- frozen farms of Iowa and New Hampshire. You figure it out.

  • Governor Gray Davis. Winner and yet still and always: Loser.

    Higher expected voter turnout of Democrats for California Presidential primary bodes well for defeating recall but affords Governor Dufus way way way too much time in which he will inevitably screw up yet again. Badly.

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger. Loser.

    The longer the campaign lasts, the tougher it will be to avoid the normal news press by concentrating on the entertainment press. I mean, how long can one maintain his political integrity ducking Tim Russert while making guest appearances on Sponge Bob Square Pants, I mean, Larry King?

  • Thomas McClintock. Loser.

    Called court decision "An outrageous decision by an outrageous court." Wound a bit tight. Destined to become so outraged by fellow Republicans telling him his best move is to quit, he's going to burst a blood vessel.

  • Mary Carey. Loser.

    Porn actress had taken a leave of absence to run for Governor but now is forced back to horizontal salt mine to fulfill her 6 picture a year contract.

  • Porn audiences. Winners.

    See above.

  • California voters. Winners.

    More time to figure out which of these 133 geeks gets bumped up to ringmaster of the Cirque de Sacramento.

    Will Durst thinks five months isn't nearly enough time to figure this out. Another 3 years would probably do it though.