FAQ -- California Recall
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Q. The recall process in California has been called a circus, total chaos and a carnival. Which is it?
A. More of a geek show populated by ventriloquists on a rusty roller coaster.
Q. How will the political reputation of the state suffer in the wake of this electoral madness?
A. Reputation? California? Politics? Sorry. I don't understand the question.
Q. I see Darrell Issa, the man who started this whole ugly rat ball rolling, ran home. Did he quit under coercion from the Republican party?
A. Walks after spending a million and a half of his own dough. Yeah, you might say he withdrew under pressure. You might also say the choice of reggae stations in Northern Idaho is somewhat limited.
Q. Then at the press conference, he cried like a baby. The hell was that?
A. You're right. There's no crying in politics. Ask Ed Muskie. Besides, that wasn't simple crying, it was Harding-esque weeping. And we're talking Tonya not Warren G. He bawled like a nine year old mugged on a playground for his lunch money, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is the sixth grader who took it.
Q. What about Schwarzenegger? Will he end up splitting the Republican vote with Tom McClintock, Bill Simon, and Peter Ueberroth?
A. Sure, sure, the same way Hussein split the vote with the other Ba'ath Party candidates in his last election.
Q. How come all those talk show hosts who spent months tearing down celebrities for speaking out against the war aren't doing the same for an action hero daring to be taken seriously as a candidate?
A. Simple. Those liberal loonies were trying to tear America down while conservative Arnold is focused on blowing the deficit up. Left = bad, right = good. Write that down. It'll come in handy later.
Q. Is it just me, or does the Terminator seem a little light on specifics?
A. Oooh, a politician avoiding specifics. Yeah, that's bound to come back to haunt him. You got to remember we're talking about replacing a political robot. The cyborg looks human next to him.
Q. What's behind the marriage to Maria Shreiber?
A. Probably phase one in a genetic experiment to breed a bullet proof Kennedy.
Q. With approximately 160 people on the ballot, who's the most outrageous?
A. Its a cornucopia of delights. You get to pick between a billboard queen, a porn king, a porn star, a phony priest, a 100 year old sponsored by a 99¢ store, a serial fruit abuser and an engineered midget. And believe it or not, none of them even comes close to Gray Davis' negatives.
Q. Can Davis beat the recall?
A. Hard to say. His numbers sink everytime he speaks and the man won't shut up. His best chance may be to slip into a coma for the next seven weeks.
Q. What about the Lieutenant Governor? Does he have a shot? A. You mean Cruz "et tu" Bustamante. As the only high profile Democrat on the ballot, of course. Especially if Schwarzenegger screws up horribly somehow like leaking plans to film a sequel to "Jingle All the Way."
Q. How soon before we see a recall of the recall winner?
A. The election is Tuesday, October 7th. I would say expect petitions to start being circulated some time on the morning of Wednesday, October 8th.
Q. Governor Davis dismissed Schwarzenegger by saying "recycling old lines from movies will only get him so far." How far?
A. According to Mapquest, highway mileage from Brentwood to Sacramento is 369 miles.
Political comedian Will Durst considered running, but it was either the $3500 filing fee or paint the house.