News & Politics

Hating Hill

Since releasing her book, Hillary Clinton is all over the news, attracting as much praise as criticism.
After selling 400,000 copies of her autobiography in its initial week on the shelves, Hillary Clinton is hotter than a load of habanero peppers stuck on the shoulder of a Phoenix freeway in August. Not the best of news for the Democrats running for their party's nomination for President. They need this as much a boogie board needs a diesel converter. There's even a "draft Hillary" movement gaining momentum for 2004 and if you don't think that's not causing ripples of worry to move out amongst contenders and the administration alike, you really should watch of "West Wing" more often.

Since starting her tour in support of "Living History," the Junior Senator from New York's approval rating has risen 15 points while her disapproval rating has budged not a smidgeon, remaining static at 38 percent. Barring her imminent rescue of a baby from a well using nothing but her teeth and a Malibu Barbie scrunchie nobody expects it to shift drastically. Apparently 38 percent of America would rather stroll through a pen of starving wolverines wearing meat thongs than suffer through Hillary Clinton's re-ascendence. And I would wager that 37.5 percent of them are red-state males.

There, I've said it, if she ever does run for President, she can write off Wyoming. I don't know what the deal is, but Hillary invites passionate feelings in white males. Maybe, its the pheremones she gives off. Maybe its because she's edukated. Keep calling her a radical feminist, which means what, she has a job? Hey, Laura Bush had a job too, she just quit it to stay home and raise her husband. You just know Jerry Farwell and his bunch have a test for Hillary: If she doesn't float, she's not a witch.

Because the Republicans and their designated AM blow holes hate the former First Lady so much, they lose all vestige of reason. Which to be honest, is fun to watch. Their blood pressures rise dangerously, eyes all bugging out like nuclear radiated mutated toads. They get so worked up, they can't even keep their accusations straight. I remember a couple of years ago, if you listened to the talk shows, you would be told not only was she having an affair with Vince Foster, she was also a lesbian. She's not qualified and she micromanages. She should divorce Bill and she has abandoned him.

It may be they hate Hill even more than Bill. After all, Bill has less friction than rayon pajamas on silk sheets in zero gravity. Pinning him down is like trying to throttle a shadow. She's more of a stand up and punch it out gal. But because her visibility is on the rise, the Hill Haters are back at full throttle, screaming uncontrollably; drooling, spitting, blood sweating from their eyes, and it seems like old times.

So do I hope the Hillmeister runs? Yes! This time, next time, every time. The main reason I hope she runs is because she rattles the right so badly you can actually hear their arteries clog. Oh, there's other reasons.

  • Because I think she can win? Yeah, sure, that's it, because I think she can win.

  • Because it would be great to see "Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton" in all the almanacs.

  • Because who better to lay down precedents for First Husband than Bill?

  • Because Chelsea only needs 3,000 more Air Force One Frequent Flyer Miles to qualify for a free mug.

  • Because of the economy, stupid. Hasn't anyone else noticed? Or is it just me? Bush-bad. Clinton-good. Bush-bad. Clinton-? Hey, its worth a shot.

  • Because Roger Clinton's agent isn't returning his calls anymore.

  • Because with another couple of investigating committees, I'm sure Kenneth Starr can finally nail down this whole Whitewater thing.

  • Because once they struggled through the first 40 Presidents, every fifth grade social studies class would breeze through numbers 41 through 44.

  • Because it would be worth it just to see Dubyah tremble mid-debate in an effort to keep from referring to her as "little lady".

  • Because the Bushies have gotten a bit complacent over the last couple of months and Karl Rove needs another pumice-stone chew-toy to sharpen his teeth on.


Will Durst is a political comic who would say "You go girl" if it weren't so demeaning.
Sign Up!
Get AlterNet's Daily Newsletter in Your Inbox
+ sign up for additional lists
[x]
Select additional lists by selecting the checkboxes below before clicking Subscribe:
Activism
Drugs
Economy
Education
Election 2018
Environment
Food
Media
World