ABBA Cadabra

Looking over the crop of Democratic presidential candidates, I feel like a recent divorcee going to her first singles party. There they are, a mob of shuffling, hopeful guys. There is no love at first sight. I sigh, thinking of Bill...how young I was, how bright our future seemed. Now I have all these suitors, all these channels and not much on, hoping one of them will become the clear choice, hoping my choice even matters.

I bet this is exactly the kind of dispirited thinking that has led others to start their own political parties. I'm going it one better than that: I'm starting my own political afterparty. That's a political party that doesn't exist until after someone gets nominated. It has a single issue: unity. My party is called ABBA: Anyone But Bush Again.

ABBA is an SOS to those who didn't want George W. Bush the first time, which was most of us, and those who don't want an encore. It has no Democratic disorganization: the focus of ABBA is sharp enough to shave a pig. All you have to do is one thing: vote for the one guy running against Bush who has a shot of winning. One guy. Case closed. The ballot shouldn't be big enough to make a butterfly. It shouldn't be big enough to fold. There should be two choices: Bush and the ABBA candidate, our guy. If anyone tries to Naderize this thing, we lob stuff at them -- old fruit, chairs, opened paint cans -- until they quit.

Before you tell me that you're sending a message with your indie vote or that limiting choices is not what free thinking democracy is about let me tell you that I have some open paint cans. I've been a Democrat for 20 years because it's the party of individualism, progress and compassion. They haven't invented a Botox that paralyzes your conscience, so I'm stuck with that. But I also know irony works: we have to work as a team to defend our individualistic ideals.

I'm all for your right to express yourself, but for chrissakes, make a quilt. ABBA needs you. I need you. I don't want to spend another four years watching gas prices rise and want ads shrink, watching Bush cut taxes while real people cut out health care and worrying for my rights everytime someone on the Supreme Court coughs. I'd like to get hold of everyone who didn't vote at all in 2000 because "there's no real difference between Bush and Gore" and clap them like erasers. No difference my supersized J-Lo butt.

Okay, you got me: I'm as bitter as yesterday's coffee about the 2000 election. And I'm dumbfounded that so many people think we should just get over it like it was a summer fling. I can't get over it. I believed, I mean, can-I-get-a-Amen ba-leeeeved, in the system. And like the Whos down in Whoville, singing around the blank spot where their Christmas tree was, I'm not going to let anyone rob me of my faith. I still believe in voting. I believe you should vote for ABBA.

The Republicans know exactly how much voting counts. In a recent analysis in the New York Times‚ Adam Clymer wrote about tactics the GOP is using to recruit voters, like "direct mail fund-raising, campaign training schools and recruiting candidates for state legislatures," tactics Democrats use also, but "the Republicans have stayed with them and fortified them far more intently."

Well, of course they have. They have unity. You can call it The Borg, you can call it a lockstep; I call it cohesion and progressives and liberals could learn a thing or two from that. We can go back to bickering later. Best of all, think about the fight the candidates will put up if they think they're going to get all of our votes on Election Day! They'll put their best feet forward and kick each other's butts. It'll be great, like The Bachelor, only we're all the lucky girl! (God, even I didn't buy that last line, but at least I'm getting it up to try.)