News & Politics  
comments_image Comments

Weapons Of Individual Destruction

Now we're in charge of Iraq and still can't find nothing.
 
 
Share
 
 
 
 

You got to hand it to the Bush administration -- they refuse to quit. They're as indomitable as that dried milk scum at the dead center inside bottom of your kid's empty breakfast glass left out in the sun.

First they counter the UN weapons inspectors' inability to find the merest hint of a whisper of a scintilla of any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq as positive proof they were right: "See, we told you he was hiding them." Then, when queried as to why the Butcher of Baghdad failed to use any of this incredibly frightening arsenal to thwart our attack, the administration snapped back: "He hid them so good, even he couldn't find them."

Now we're in charge, still can't find nothing, and the conjecture to their ghostly whereabouts is. "The looters got to 'em first." Yeah, sure, I think we all buy that. Can just imagine blue-collar Baghdad Bob coming home from a busy day of street looting: "Hey, honey, remember that 200 cc of pure industrial grade Anthrax we were scrimping and saving hoping one day to raise a stake big enough to buy? Well, toss that shelf of Humus Helper, our prayers have been answered!"

Of course, if Hans Blix and the boys ever wandered over to the US of A to seek weapons of individual destruction, they'd best be advised to wait till September 13th of next year, when it'll be like picking blueberries out of rock salt. That's the date our national assault weapons ban expires and it looks like, even though the President campaigned on extending the ban, he's running away from his pledge so fast you can see skid marks.

Attorney General John Ashcroft, the administration's designated pit bull, already signaled his change of heart on the matter. In January 2001, during his Senate confirmation hearings, he said, "It is my understanding the President-Elect of the United States has indicated his clear support for extending this assault weapons ban. I would be prepared to move forward that position."

Yeah, sure, that's confusing cover-your-ass-mumble-speak, but pretty much what he said was, "if he's for it, then so am I." Now, however, it seems Ashcroft changed his mind, and as for Congress, getting an NRA lapdog Republican House to instigate a new assault weapons bill will be real similar to trying to pull the claws out of an amphetamine-poisoned coyote.

Not that the ban worked all that well. Gun manufacturers immediately figured out how to skirt the ban making minor design modifications to their bullet hoses. You know, changing trigger guard positions, adding racing stripes, applying Pokemon decals. But the NRA still strenuously opposes the reinstitution of the ban. Its like disco; same beat ten years later: "Assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles."

You know what, I can buy that argument. I mean, you can also use a chainsaw to cut butter. Just going to get a little messy around muffin time is all I'm saying. And, if you think about it, a hand grenade will signal the end of recess. They got a point. Guns don't kill people, its those darn bullets that create the holes that the blood leaks out of way too quick.

The problem here, though, is according to a recent poll, 73 percent of the American people favor restrictions on assault weapons. But because this sunset law will kill the ban automatically, Bush can say he's in favor of it, and still encourage his buddies in the house to kill it, so he doesn't get his hands dirty. George W. Bush may not be the first Stealth President, but he is turning out to be the best.

Will Durst thinks most presidents are figureheads, Bush is a hood ornament.