18 Horrible Sex Tips for Men
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We recently took a break from our regularly scheduled mockery to focus our taunting on Cosmopolitan magazine and some of the less...astute sex advice they've offered us over the years. It was a romp. We painted our breasts; we sexted; and we even slapped a couple dicks — and not too gently!
While Cosmo comes at sex with the chirpy enthusiasm of Elle Woods and the DIY tenacity of Martha Stewart, its peers on the men's side are a little harder to pin down. There's Maxim, whispering tales of "busty blondes" from the corner of the school dance, boner-in-sweatpants, drinking whiskey from a Coke bottle. And then there's Men's Health, aggressively sharing his recipe for blueberry protein shakes in the elevator, saying things like "glutes" and "sports-utility vehicle."
So here's an anthology of the most misguided advice voiced by these two gentlemen; take it with caution.
Men's Health: the Science of Seduction
1. "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't."
Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!
Oh, and pro-tip: if you lose count mid-blink, start throwing carbohydrates and diamonds (you know, lady things) over her shoulder to distract her, then grab her purse and rummage.
2. "Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws."
I get so mad when women's magazines are like "Men never listen." God! Do you know how hard it is to listen when I'm trying to count your blinks, calculate them as a percentage, and then — depending on my diagnosis — make my jaw look wider?
3. "Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection."
You can practice this at work with a ruler and stopwatch. Just make sure to close the door.
4. "After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."
If she's averse to this idea, spit in her sports drink. It's been shown to improve the taste of Gatorade's entire G Series line.
5. "Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it."
Your sweaty back is like warm baking bread. Laced with androstadienone. Mmm.
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."
On the upside, she's proven she's definitely not an evil sex robot.
7. "Her Feet Give Her Away: if she moves her feet away from her body, adopting a more open-legged stance, you're golden. But if she crosses her legs or tucks them under her body, you may as well ask for the check and call it a night before dessert.
Just one question: what if she crosses her legs beneath a slutty red dress? The male of the species is easily angered when simultaneously confused and aroused.
8. "She's Dressed to Impress: can't take your eyes off her nearly-see-through dress? Don't — she's scantily clad for a reason."
This precedes a lengthy summary of a study in Austria that involved taking saliva samples of ladies in nightclubs to determine that the sexier-dressed ones were hornier. The whole thing is creepy and makes me sad for my lady friends. So, I'm going to respond in a way I know will cheer them up.
You Are What You Eat
And now for some culinary tips that are sure to "drive her wild:"
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."
And according to my research, it tastes crunchy and delicious.
10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."
I love how casually they drop this in there — as if mutant sperm is a well-documented, albeit slightly irritating phenomenon, instead of the pitch for a new movie from the director of Human Centipede.
11. Eat L-Arginine, which "allows more blood flow to the penis… Here's your excuse to try out that whipped-cream and chocolate-sauce fantasy: the dark stuff also has L-Arginine."
Wait, what? Whipped cream and chocolate sauce? In a sexual context? Brilliant!
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."
13. Eat some chocolate - it's caffeinated and so "can jolt the sex drive." Oh, and it's packed with phenylethylamine, which can "activate the brain's pleasure centers."
A meal for kings! If all of these sex-chemical-laden foods somehow fail to whip her into an erotic frenzy, no worries. Just tell her you're auditioning to be on Chopped. Women find ambition very arousing.
14. "The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice."
That's… literally the weirdest opening line I've ever read in my life. But it couldn't have come at a better time, as I was planning on seducing some mice later this afternoon. What? Don't give that look. They have pretty mouths.
15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."
If the folks at Activia ever wanted to expand, they could consider a new tagline: "Yogurt. It does more than help Jamie Lee Curtis poop."
Also, who thought "Give mice yogurt, then measure their balls" would make a good study? I'm sure it's valid and well thought-out and firmly grounded. Just like I'm sure the first guy ever to drink cow's milk was not even a little weird.
Money (That's What She Wants)
Did your sweaty lips and testosterone-richsalivia not do the trick? Have your yogurty balls failed to bring all the girls to the yard? What else can you do to impress the ladies? Buy them really expensive things. (Or, you could keep trying the sweaty approach and then buy me things. I'd like that.) In either case, here are a bunch of things MHM thinks you should do.
Read the rest of this piece on Nerve.com.