18 Horrible Sex Tips for Men
Continued from previous page
8. "She's Dressed to Impress: can't take your eyes off her nearly-see-through dress? Don't — she's scantily clad for a reason."
This precedes a lengthy summary of a study in Austria that involved taking saliva samples of ladies in nightclubs to determine that the sexier-dressed ones were hornier. The whole thing is creepy and makes me sad for my lady friends. So, I'm going to respond in a way I know will cheer them up.
You Are What You Eat
And now for some culinary tips that are sure to "drive her wild:"
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."
And according to my research, it tastes crunchy and delicious.
10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."
I love how casually they drop this in there — as if mutant sperm is a well-documented, albeit slightly irritating phenomenon, instead of the pitch for a new movie from the director of Human Centipede.
11. Eat L-Arginine, which "allows more blood flow to the penis… Here's your excuse to try out that whipped-cream and chocolate-sauce fantasy: the dark stuff also has L-Arginine."
Wait, what? Whipped cream and chocolate sauce? In a sexual context? Brilliant!
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."
13. Eat some chocolate - it's caffeinated and so "can jolt the sex drive." Oh, and it's packed with phenylethylamine, which can "activate the brain's pleasure centers."
A meal for kings! If all of these sex-chemical-laden foods somehow fail to whip her into an erotic frenzy, no worries. Just tell her you're auditioning to be on Chopped. Women find ambition very arousing.
14. "The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice."
That's… literally the weirdest opening line I've ever read in my life. But it couldn't have come at a better time, as I was planning on seducing some mice later this afternoon. What? Don't give that look. They have pretty mouths.
15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."
If the folks at Activia ever wanted to expand, they could consider a new tagline: "Yogurt. It does more than help Jamie Lee Curtis poop."
Also, who thought "Give mice yogurt, then measure their balls" would make a good study? I'm sure it's valid and well thought-out and firmly grounded. Just like I'm sure the first guy ever to drink cow's milk was not even a little weird.
Money (That's What She Wants)
Did your sweaty lips and testosterone-richsalivia not do the trick? Have your yogurty balls failed to bring all the girls to the yard? What else can you do to impress the ladies? Buy them really expensive things. (Or, you could keep trying the sweaty approach and then buy me things. I'd like that.) In either case, here are a bunch of things MHM thinks you should do.
Read the rest of this piece on Nerve.com.