The 50 Worst Songs to Have Sex To
Photo Credit: Kevin Dooley at Flickr.
Sex is fun! Sex can be a lot of things, actually, but fun is usually pretty high up there on the list of descriptions, if things go according to plan. Of course, if you "do it" (hehe) to the sounds of music (but not "The Sound Of Music"), you're usually in the clear once you turn on the right songs.
Once upon a time, my first boyfriend and I tried to make love in a car, which was the first thing that was Wrong With This Picture. You don’t make love in a car unless you are in a story that someone tells about what it was like to “neck” at Lovers Lake during the Cold War. Otherwise, a car is just not a good place for two bodies to try and do “sex,” the clinical term for what I call “in-and-out stuff.”
Technically, you can make love in a car, but ONLY if you’re someone’s oversexed grandma telling a story no one asked to hear. (And, also, you have to be an old lady to use the term “make love” in all seriousness, and I am basically a million years old, so #leavemealone.)
The second, and more pressing problem, however, came in the form of Frou Frou. I love Imogen Heap a lot, and she single-handedly helped usher in the mid-aughts electro-ethereal subterfuge (eventually championed by Robyn, mainstreamed by Lady Gaga, and ruined by LMFAO, those two dunces who shop at Strawberry and whose “music” sounds like the alarm clock that will NEVER TURN OFF).
But she made man-on-man sextimes very, very awkward. Between her heavy breathing and synth-driven stacatto, “Let Go” was really better suited for Garden State, not Boner City. Overall, the whole shebang (or should I say he-bang because...whatever, you get it) was not meant to be. We broke up six months later, and I’ll always blame Frou Frou.
Just kidding, I’ll never blame Frou Frou because I shouldn’t have trusted my boyfriend to seduce me inside a car in the first place And I really like Frou Frou. And, also, there are literally 50 other songs that are SO much worse to hear during sex. Actually, I’ve made a list of them!
And here they are, the 50 worst songs to have come on during sex: [Don Ho, "Tiny Bubbles" is on this list twice, but I left it, for obvious reasons. -- Emily]
50. The Andrews Sisters, “Mr. Postman”
49. Limp Bizkit, “Nookie”
48. Vanessa Williams, “Save The Best For Last”
47. Anything by the cast of Glee
46. Afroman, “Because I Got High”
45. Carrie Underwood, “Jesus Take The Wheel”
44. Don Ho, “Tiny Bubbles”
43. Laura Brannigan, “Gloria”
42. La Bouche, “Sweet Dreams”
41. Don Ho, “Tiny Bubbles”
40. Shania Twain, “Man, I Feel Like A Woman”
39. Dolly Parton, “9 To 5”
38. Jessie J, “Price Tag”
37. Bruce Hornsby, “The Way It is”
36. Ke$ha, “Tik Tok”
35. Black Eyed Peas, “Where Is The Love”
34. Alanis Morrissette, “Thank You”
33. Aerosmith, “Dude Looks Like A Lady”
32. Paula Cole, “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?”
31. Aqua, “Barbie Girl”
30. Anything by Brooke Hogan
29. Eminem, “My Name Is”
28. Fiona Apple, “Never Is A Promise”
27. Avril Lavigne, “Complicated”
26. Semisonic, “Closing Time”
25. Boyz II Men, “Motown Philly”
24. Gloria Estefan, “Conga”
23. Chumbawumba, “I Get Knocked Down”
22. Macy Gray, “I Try”
21. Natalie Merchant, “Thank You”
20. Sara Bareilles, “Love Song”
19. Anything by Weird Al
18. Ashlee Simpson, “La La”
17. Randy Newman, “Short People”
16. Anything by The Vienna Boys Choir
15. Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”
14. Sarah McLachlan, “Angel”/”Aida”
13. Neil Diamond, “Sweet Caroline”
12. Hootie And The Blowfish, “I Only Wanna Be With You”
11. Chris Brown, “I Can Transform Ya”
10. Michael Jackson, “Scream”
9. Shaggy, “It Wasn’t Me”
8. Enya, “Orinoco Flow”
7. Celine Dion, “Love Can Move Mountains”
6. Lou Bega, “Mambo No. 5”
5. Amy Grant, “Baby Baby”
4. The Doobie Brothers, “Takin’ It To The Streets”
3. Tori Amos, “Silent All These Years”
2. The Cosby Show theme song
1. Eric Clapton, “Tears In Heaven”
So there you have it. Now you can be sure to sort your “private time” playlists with plenty of Sade and Prince, knowing full well that you won’t suddenly be fantasizing about Michael McDonald against your will.
I mean, The Doobie Brothers are great and all, but is Michael McDonald’s billowing, snowlike facial hair really something you want creeping into your dreams in the throes of pleasure?
Hey, your business is your business.