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Frequently Asked Questions About the War on Iraq.
Q. So what's the deal with Saddam? He still alive?
A. Apparently the Iraqi Strongman escaped with his life from a Coalition attack two hours before his 48 hours to get out of Dodge were up. Kind of a pre-empting of the pre-emptive thing going on here.
Q. Isn't that cheating?
A. All's fair in love and war. A Texas twist on the old Godfather Conundrum: Is it better to be feared than loved? "Who cares. String 'em up."
Q. So how come in his exclusive interview, Dan Rather didn't take Saddam out?
A. When you're right, you're right. Dan is what, 80 years old now? Time to take one for the team, old man. Should have shot yourself up with some anthrax and breathed on the Butcher of Baghdad. Talk about an exclusive interview.
Q. Does the State Department suspect the photo of Saddam meeting with his command staff was pre-recorded?
A. No one is really sure, but spectral computer analysis seems to indicate he's wearing a "Members Only" jacket with an Alf patch on the right sleeve.
Q. The networks didn't even wait the normal three day mourning period before interrupting the war for commercials. What's up with that?
A. I think the feeling is, "Hey, patriotism and solemnity are all fine and good and all, but we got to make some money here."
Q. Is CBS's decision to continue showing the NCAA Basketball Tournament having any effect on the other networks?
A. All the coverage seems designed to specifically look like a playoff game, with logos and theme songs and game plans. "You're looking live at downtown Basra, Iraq, where the coalition forces are squaring off against the upset minded Hordes of Hussein. There's the coin toss and Hussein elects to receive. And receive. And receive."
Q. Don't you keep expecting John Madden to show up with his video chalk stick?
A. Yeah, I'm surprised ABC hasn't trotted him out as an expert analyst. "See, here's where the Republican Guard has to plug the line. Bam. Bam. Bam. Wait a minute, Hussein punts on first down, he is a madman."
Q. What do you make of the reports that certain administration staffers are talking about continuing this Mideast liberation campaign in Iran?
A. George W Bush needs an intern.
Will Durst needs an intern.