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Why I Use Sex Toys to Satisfy My Wife

Most guys are ashamed to talk about using sex toys in the bedroom. I can tell you from experience -- it's brilliant.

This story originally appeared at Salon.

 The display next to the register reads “Viagra substitute.”

“Do you have anything like this for women?” I ask the cashier, nodding at the display.

“Those are for women,” she says.

I place the vibrating sex toy, which is packed in a plastic container with the words “Diving Dolphin” written in a wavy blue script, on the counter along with my American Express card. It’s been about one week since Deb and I argued at the Wig and Pen. That’s one week without sex.

“They are?” I say. I pick up a package of the Viagra Substitute, which appears to contain two pills. I scan the label. “No,” I say placing the packet of pills back in their box. “They’re for men.”

The cashier removes the Diving Dolphin from its package. It’s a complicated-looking thing with two vibrating eggs, each fitting into separate rubber compartments. She inserts two double A’s and pushes a button on the little plastic control panel. The Diving Dolphin hums loudly. “I might argue,” she says.

I laugh. “Yeah,” I say, “but what I need is something that makes a woman, you know …  want to, you know … in the first place.”

“We don’t carry anything like that,” she says. “But I know where you can get something.”

“Where’s that?” I say.

She motions toward the door. “Coralville liquor store,” she says.

“They got something there?” I say.

“Yeah,” she says. “Liquor.”

Most guys don’t want to talk about vibrating sex toys. We’re ashamed. But I don’t know what there is to be ashamed about. If a guy could cut an hour off his commute time, he’d spare no expense to do it. And he wouldn’t be ashamed to tell everyone  how he did it. Yet everyone keeps quiet about a vibrating sex toy. The vibrating sex toy is the time-saving device of the century.

There will come a time in your relationship when you will look your wife in the eye and say, “OK. You know I want sex. And I know you want sex. Right? OK. So what do you say we take our clothes off and both just … get the job done. All right? And then we’ll get some sleep. OK? Because I’ve got to be in Cedar Rapids at 7 o’clock tomorrow.” Of course this approach will fail. Your wife will refuse you. No woman wants to hear these things. But just because she doesn’t want to  hear these things, doesn’t mean she isn’t amenable to the spirit in which they’re spoken.

A sex toy can do lots of things that your penis can’t do. A vibrating dildo, for example, can remain in the same rigid shape for years upon years. A vibrating dildo can also vibrate. Not a bad trick, I’d say.

I told a friend of mine one time that he really should introduce the idea of the vibrating dildo to his girlfriend. He, of course, didn’t want to talk about it. But I pressed the issue. “You should,” I said.

My buddy said, “Yeah. I’m sure she’d be just thrilled if I pull out some giant plastic thing in the middle of sex.”

“Tell you what,” I said. “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks right now. I’m serious. A hundred bucks. That if you do pull out that giant plastic thing at the  right time, she won’t complain at all.”

“OK,” he said, “let’s look at it another way: Say she likes it. Then, when I go at it the old-fashioned way again, it won’t be enough. We’ll have to kick-start the dildo every time. What about that?”

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