Give Me a Dollar

Give me a "D." Give me an "O." Give me an "L-L-A-R." Give me a dollar.Money is being made. But not by me. The Dow Jones rises. The NASDAQ does too. Soccer moms have stock portfolios. Hockey moms have high yield bonds. Kids no longer get allowances, they receive stock options. And I get nothing.When the stock market was rising, I thought it was bull. As it kept rising, I couldn't bear to watch. I keep my money safe by spending every penny I earn. Jesus Saves. I don't.Complaining only gets me another day older and deeper in debt. I'm tired of being poor. Yesterday, I felt like I was one step away from standing on a highway exit ramp with a sign that said, "My Dad is a Veteran. Give Me Money." And that's when I came up with "The Plan."The Plan: I shouldn't stand on a Highway Exit ramp and ask for a dollar. It's all about location. I need to stand smack dab in the middle of the Information Highway and ask for a dollar.So, give me a dollar. And email this story to all your spam loving friends.Not persuaded? Wait there's more.First off, you need to realize it's all about me. And you also need to realize, it's all about you. When you give a dollar to someone on the street that looks like they could use the money, what do YOU get out of that. Sure you get that tingle down your neck of a general sense of humanitarian good Samaritan nonsense. But how long does that last? One step? Two steps? Ever think if the person you just gave a dollar to was in a Twelve Step program, they wouldn't need your money?Well, I'm in a Twelve Step program. Step 1. You send me a dollar. Step 2-12. I spend your money. But, here's the big difference, somewhere around step 7, 8 or 9, I will tell you how your money was spent. And the best part is, Sally Struthers has nothing to do with it.Like a good Ginsu Knife commercial, Wait! There is still more.Not if, but WHEN you send me a dollar the good times will start rolling in for you. Since it's about me, I, of course, get the money. And that's good. Since it's also about you, I hope you're asking "What do I get?" Good question. And it's not rhetorical.This is what you get. Your single dollar will be pooled with the other money that is sent to me. With the dollar you give, if you also include your email address I will write YOU a letter that A) Gives monthly dollar totals of money sent in (This offer void if you work for the I.R.S.) B) I will tell you how I spent your money (Did the guy with cardboard sign ever tell you how he spent your money? You just had to assume alcohol, now you'll know for certain what specific brand of alcohol.) C) There is no C. D). No D either. E) Joy and Bliss. F) No F.It Slices. It Dices. It cuts through cans.A dollar is all I ask. And Madonna is pregnant with her second child, oh Lourdes. Is she still the Material Girl? This is still a Material World. What if you can give more than a dollar? Then do. And your generosity will be rewarded in kind. Honest Abe. If you give me five dollars, I will send you a very short email, thanking you personally for your contribution. The Ten Dollar donator will receive a sticker, in the mail, that says "I Gave Phil a Dollar." If you send more than ten dollars, allow me a few seconds to gain my composure from laughing at your stupidity, I mean generosity, and then tell me what you want. I would never sell out, but I can be rented. In every monthly email, the person who sends in the most money, will be highlighted, lambasted, and taunted until they cry.Did you know when you donate your money to a "charitable" organization, only one penny from every dollar actually goes to your bleeding heart cause? With the "Give Phil a Dollar" plan, I get 100 percent of your money. That's great -- for me.The weather in a rain forest is always dreary. Hungry children get tired of eating rice. Isn't it time you quit greasing the pockets of Bill Gates and this Alan Greenspan economy? Isn't it time you gave a dollar to Phil?Send your dollar to Phil Jacobsen P.O. Box 521231, Salt Lake City, UT 84152-1231. You may not get rich. But you'll know someone that did. One dollar at a time.