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You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This!

News that's just far out enough to be true.
 
 
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  • The Who's Pete Townsend got nailed in London on allegations of pedophilia. Does this mean "Fiddlin All About" was both autobiographical and a predetermined game plan?
  • I'm dredging grey matter depths to come up with an analogy equivalent to Al Sharpton's chances of winning the Democratic nomination for President in 2004. "Snowball in hell" smacks not only of cliche but seems a bit generous as well. How bout "more likely to see a film with a credible plot starring Eric Roberts?"
  • Libya has just been selected to chair this year's UN human rights commission. Libya human rights. I suppose the next item of business is to appoint Henry Kissinger as head of a fact finding commission. Oh.
  • Nancy Pelosi passed over black lawmaker William Jefferson from Louisiana to pick Robert Matsui from California to head up the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. Then she refused to answer any questions about whether the party would have been better off if James Traficant had been available. Pretty convenient if you ask me.
  • Turns out the weed killer, Roundup, is creating a super weed impervious to its poison. Call me paranoid but I see the long sticky fingers of our State Department at work here.
  • Bush keeps saying its a good time to buy a house. And when you think of it, he's right. It's also a good time to buy an airline, and K- Mart and AOL- Time Warner.
  • Because of local hysteria, the government of the East African nation of Malawi has been forced to issue official press releases to citizens and potential tourists that the country is not infested with vampires. Of course, the people discount the statements because they're so used to their government lying to them. Malawi sounds a lot like Berkeley. Without T-1 lines.
  • United Airlines has decided to do away with food service on most of their flights. How long before the toilet paper and the inflight magazine are one and the same.
  • Insiders claim the current level of DC corruption is unprecedented. They have a name in Washington for someone who misuses the public trust, and betrays all manners of civilized behavior: Senator. Will Durst thinks he might have found a loophole in this whole invasion business. A way to avoid war totally. What if we surrender? Let them keep all their stinky oil. Hah, bet nobody's thought of that.