5 Ridiculous Fast Food Creations That Should Never Have Been Invented

Kitchens have sadly been replaced with scientific laboratories and it's starting to seem that the American public is one big test animal.

If it feels as though you've read this story before, that's because there is an endless supply of information about the horrifying things that pass for food these days. And so the cataloging continues. Kitchens have sadly been replaced with scientific laboratories and it is starting to seem that the American public is one big test animal.

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Well, maybe it isn't all Americans. Perhaps you're the kind of person who labors over decisions about whether to eat local or organic (or both), or whether you should go vegan or opt for grass-fed, free-range meat. If so, this list will make you feel a whole lot better about your food choices. You're clearly already on your way to better health and more sustainable eating, so why not have a laugh (and potentially a gag) at the folks who seemed to have missed some pretty important health memos. And if you're in that latter bunch, maybe this will serve as a gentle nudge to seek some greener and leaner pastures when it comes to eating.

1. Breakfast of Losers

This one is so incredibly offensive because it's a death trap masquerading as breakfast -- and my father drilled into me since childhood that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I can't imagine any good could come from a day that begins with Friendly's Caramel Cinnamon Swirl French Toast. "This meal consists of a cinnamon roll split and stuffed with cream cheese and ice cream and topped off with whipped cream and hot caramel," writes Men's Health. The total calorie count comes in at 2,090, more than a day's worth of calories, with 57 grams of fat (28 saturated) and 214 grams of sugar. Check, please!

2. Bigger Is Not Better

While we're talking about starting the day, I bet there's a whole lot of people who like to grab a "cup of ambition" as Dolly would say, to get going in the morning. That sounds pretty good unless you're heading to Starbucks, which has apparently decided to compete with the Big Gulp. Goodbye sophisticated thimble of espresso and hello Trenta.

Dillon Sorenson writes for Culture Map, "Currently, Starbucks offers three sizes: Tall (354 mL), Grande (473 mL), and Venti (591 mL). And beginning May 3rd, you will be able to get your beverage of choice in a new 916 mL Trenta size. How big is 916 mL, you ask? Well, an average bottle of wine is 750 mL, and the average capacity of the human stomach is 900 mL."

I guess this massive addition is somehow fitting for a company that has Tall as its smallest size option. But isn't 916 mL a little excessive for coffee? A pretty safe rule we should all agree on for eating is not to exceed the capacity of our stomachs in a single sitting. Not too much to ask, right?

3. POTUS with Sauce

I'm pretty sure this is the first time an American president has had a frozen food named after him. Der Spiegel reports that the German company Sprehe, hoping to jump on the Obama-mania train (which clearly has already left the station) launched Obama Fingers. Seriously. These are frozen fried chicken fingers that come with a curry dipping sauce.

The German outlet elaborates:

For Americans in Germany, though, there is a risk that the product might be seen as racially insensitive. Fried chicken has long been associated with African-Americans in the US -- naming strips of fried chicken after the first black president could cause some furrowing of brows.

[Judith Witting, sales manager for Sprehe] told SPIEGEL ONLINE the connection never even occurred to her. "It was supposed to be a homage to the American lifestyle and the new US president," she said.

If only an homage to the U.S. didn't conjure frozen foods with racist overtones.

4. Leave the Hybrids to Toyota

It's hard to know which is worse, the Uno Chicago Grill Lobster BLT Thin Crust Pizza, which throws so many things together that simply do not belong on the same plate (for a total of 1,530 calories) or the Lasagne Sandwich from the UK's Tesco. This prepackaged sandwich is a fat medley containing, "two thick slices of bread and a filling of diced beef in a tomato and herb sauce layered with cooked pasta sheets and a creamy cheddar, ricotta, and mayonnaise dressing," according to Julie Ryan Evans. I think the mayonnaise is really a nice touch.

5. It Gets Worse

It's almost like a twisted game to see what fast food companies will try to think up next. As much as I think many of the companies are bordering on criminal for the unhealthy slop they serve people, sometimes it's really the customers we should be most concerned about. I used to think a meal of feedlot meat slathered in high fat sauces and deep-fried sides took the cake -- until, I read about this guy, who decided that all of those crappy meals out there advertised as "cheap" by fast food outlets would likely taste really good if eaten all together. And thus, the "Fast Food Super Stack" was born.

Here's the gory details:

My first stop was at McDonald's where I picked up a McDouble for a dollar. Next I headed to Wendy's where for $1.29 I bought five chicken nuggets. After that it was off to Taco Bell where for $1.19 (even though their commercials claim it's supposed to be 99 cents) I purchased their new Chicken Flatbread Sandwich. I have an entire hour for lunch and had only spent 15 minutes at this point, so I decided to make a final stop at Burger King where I purchased a Whopper, onion rings and a Diet Coke.

After receiving my Burger King order I sat down and started assembling my sandwich. I decided to use the McDouble and the Whopper as the top and bottom parts of the sandwich, and then put the Chicken Flatbread and Wendy's nuggets in the middle. I was originally planning to eat my onion rings on the side, but figured that if I was going to do this I had to do it up big, so I threw those into the sandwich too. Since I no longer had any onion rings to eat on the side I also poured the ranch sauce that came with my Wendy's nuggets and the ranch sauce that I got from Burger King onto the sandwich as well.

Shockingly, he concludes, "Taste-wise the sandwich was pretty good." It weighed in at a whopping 2,170 calories and 133 grams of fat, which is horrific, although really only a few calories more than Friendly's Caramel Cinnamon Swirl French Toast, which didn't even come close to the Super Stack's 83 grams of protein.

It's starting to look like a race to the bottom. Who can be stupider: the consumers who keep buying this stuff or the companies who dream up new ways to combine as much sugar, salt and fat into even more outrageous proportions. 

Tara Lohan is a senior editor at AlterNet. You can follow her on Twitter @TaraLohan.