9 Stupid Myths About Bisexuals That Will Make You Laugh
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5. Everybody is bisexual. Not even close. This misconception started with Freud, was bolstered by Kinsey, and now seems to be spread predominantly through Yahoo! forums. However, there are a lot more people acting on bisexual desires than there are who identify as such. We call these people “Republican senators.” While not everyone is bisexual, here’s a small smattering of bi celebs who are commonly mistaken or purposefully misconstrued as card-carrying homos and heteros: Sappho (yes, the Greek poster-dyke), Kurt Cobain, James Dean, Ani DiFranco, Walt Whitman, Anais Nin, Frida Kahlo, Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, Tchaikovsky, Michael Stipe, Lord Byron, Emily Dickinson, Andy Dick, Herman Melville, Eve Ensler, Judy Garland, Georgia O’Keeffe (who was Frida’s lover for a time), Marlon Brando, Cary Grant, Billie Holiday, Angelina Jolie, Janis Joplin, David Bowie, Jack Kerouac, Kristanna Loken (from Terminator 3 and the one who burned Shane’s house down in Season 4 of The L Word), Madonna, Elton John, Amanda Palmer (from the Dresden Dolls), Cole Porter, Anthony Rapp ( Rent), Virginia Woolf, Patti Smith, Mick Jagger and on and on. (To see a more complete list of bi celebs, check out the Wikipedia page.)
6. Nobody is bisexual. As one of my bisexual male friends said recently, “When people say bisexual men don't exist, it cracks me up. Would you like to hook me up to some wires and machines and have me watch both gay and straight porn to see that both will increase my heart rate and give me a hard-on?” When I told him that study had actually been done, which supposedly proved that bisexual men were just “liars,” he quipped, “I've done that study on my own a few times. I liked the results.” The study, but perhaps more significantly the New York Times article where it was showcased, claimed, “You’re either straight, gay or lying.” The study based its conclusions on whether self-described bisexual men responded physically to visual sexual stimuli, i.e. porn. The problem with the study (one of many problems documented by the National Gay and Lesbian Taskforce, among others) is that it bases sexual orientation on arousal alone. On the flip side, also curiously in a New York Timesarticle, straight women were found to be physically aroused by everything from masturbation to naked ladies to couples doing it, even to bonobo chimps getting it on. What didn’t turn these women on, you ask? Pictures of naked men. Yet, no one seemed to call these women lying rug munchers in denial, did they?
7. Bisexuals can never be happy in a monogamous relationship. Let the record show that bisexuals are just as likely to fail at monogamy as the rest of you infidels! According to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, statistics show that 40 percent of women and 60 percent of men have affairs at least once in their marriages. Since these people aren’t always married to each other, that means about 80 percent of all marriages are “touched” by adultery. But being bisexual doesn’t make you any more likely to cheat than being straight or gay does. Nor does it mean that bisexuals are destined to be miserable without a variety of genitalia at their disposal. Just as in other sexual relationships, being partnered with one person doesn’t suddenly negate your attraction to other people. The same goes for bisexuals in monogamous relationships.
8. Bisexuals love threesomes! This is one that’s both really irritating and understandable at the same time. Sure, who doesn’t want to have their cake and eat their pussy too from time to time? But the culturally pervasive hetero dude fantasy of the threesome-as-Holy-Grail has turned a delightful, occasional sexytime experience into an annoying bombardment of cold-call propositions, usually from strangers or drunks. There was a time last year when every week, I would get a threesome proposition online from (often) the dude-half of a straight couple asking if I would like to bone them. Rarely did these propositions even contain a perfunctory “Hello, you look nice in pinstripes” or any other kind of humanizing email chatter. Instead, bisexuals are thought of as the Jiffy Lubes of sexual experience, always ready and available to help you with your fluids at the drop of an un-proofread email. To be fair, one guy didn’t just ask me and my then-girlfriend for a threeway; he asked us to bear his children and then also offered to pay us $10 to do data entry. Also, while swinging and orgy parties do seem to be on the rise (there are roughly 3,000 clubs worldwide) preference for group sex will always be in the minority. Remember that the next time you try to slur your way into a bisexual’s pants at dollar draught night.