News & Politics

Rich Stimulus

As a matter of fact Americans are all in favor of more perks for the rich because the American people only think of the gajillion tax breaks they'll be raking in when they become rich.
Class warfare. Bush owns it and the Democrats want it. Democrats love class wars. They understand class wars. To them a class war is getting back to basics. Like the pitcher covering first in spring training. And the President has got his his part down perfectly: claiming they're the naughty ones who started the whole mess by attacking his tax stimulus package with the scurrilous charge that it neglects to provide any of what you might call your stimulus.

On top of that the thoroughly ungrateful minority party has specifically attacked Bush's attempt to eliminate the tax on stock dividends, which mostly helps the wealthy. The GOP's response is "The wealthy pay most of the taxes, so of course they're going to get some of the breaks." The Democrats came back with "But this ain't no some, Chuck."

This is huge honking most. This is a Costco fork lift pallet of bulk. Besides, you're the one who declared the class war. You can't blame us; all we did was point it out. But let me let you in on a little secret here. What really drives the Dems nuts, is the public couldn't care less. As a matter of fact Americans are all in favor of more perks for the rich because the American people only think of the gajillion tax breaks they'll be raking in when they become rich. Which will be any minute now. So when the Administration announces "in order to help out the economy, we have to stimulate the rich," we just nod our heads and go, "unh hunh, that's me, someday." Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with stimulating the rich. I just think there's a whole mess of other cheaper ways you could accomplish the same sort of thing. So let me do what I can to help out here.

Will Durst's Modest Proposal for Alternative Methods to Stimulate the Rich:

  • Subdermal cayenne pepper time-release implants.

  • Reception lines where the rich receive bracing slaps in the face from the homeless.

  • Amphetamine patches. What the hell, entire amphetamine quilts.

  • Coffee grounds replaced with Pop Rocks.

  • Remote controlled cattle prod suppositories.

  • Electronic GPS infrared geostationary ankle bracelets with retractable skin piercing spikes.

  • Torches, pitchforks and crowbars.

  • CEO Head butts. Lots of CEO head butts. For no apparent reason. At unexpected times. In elevators.

  • Bananas. Just plain old bananas. Plain old bananas with pieces of rotary saw blades imbedded in them.

  • Leg tethered, rabies infested, Norwegian rats.


Will Durst plans to be rich someday. No, not Sunday. Someday.