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10 Best Christmas Songs for Atheists

What do you do if you're an atheist who likes Christmas carols?
 
 
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It's widely assumed that atheists, by definition, hate Christmas. And it's an assumption I'm baffled by. I like Christmas. Lots of atheists I know like Christmas. Heck, even Richard Dawkins likes Christmas. Plenty of atheists recognize the need for rituals that strengthen social bonds and mark the passing of the seasons. Especially when the season in question is dark and wet and freezing cold. Add in a culturally- sanctioned excuse to spend a month of Saturdays eating, drinking, flirting, and showing off our most festive shoes, and we're totally there. And we find our own ways to adapt/ create/ subvert the holiday traditions to our own godless ends.

Sure, most of us would like for our governments to not be sponsoring religious displays at the holidays. Or any other time. What with the whole "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion" thing. And some of us do rather resent the cultural hegemony of one particular religious tradition being crammed down everybody's throat, in a grotesque, mutant mating of homogenized consumerism and saccharine piety. But it's not like all atheists are Grinchy McScrooges. Many of us are very fond of Christmas. Some atheists even like Christmas carols. I'm one of them.

It is, however, definitely the case that, since I've become an atheist activist, my pleasure in many Christmas carols has been somewhat diminished. It's harder for me to sing out lustily about angels and magic stars and the miracle of the virgin birth, without rolling my eyes just a little. And I do notice the more screwed-up content of many Christmas songs more than I used to: the guilty self-loathing, the fixation on the blood sacrifice, the not- so- subtle anti-Semitism. I'm content to sing most of these songs anyway (except "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel," which always makes me cringe). But for some time now, I've been on the lookout for Christmas songs that I can sing entirely happily, without getting into annoying theological debates in my head.

So, with the help of my Facebook friends, I've compiled a list of Christmas songs that atheists can love unreservedly.

The rules:

Songs cannot have any mention of God, Jesus, angels, saints, or miracles. Not even in Latin. This is the key, the raison d'etre of this whole silly game. I'm not going to start making exceptions just so I can sneak in the "Boar's Head Carol." And yes, this rules out "Good King Wenceslas." Hey, I like it too, it's pretty and has a nice (if somewhat politically complicated) message about how rich kings should help poor people. But come on, people. It's about a Christian saint with magical powers. No can do. (I will, however, grant a "saints with magical powers" exemption to Santa.)

Songs must be reasonably well-known. Yes, this rules out some truly excellent stuff. Many of my favorite Christmas songs, atheist or otherwise, are on the obscure side: from the grisly, gothy, paganesque "Corpus Christi Carol" (I do love me some gruesome Christmas songs), to the simultaneously haunting and peppy "Patapan," to Tim Minchin's funny, touching, pointedly godless "White Wine in the Sun." But it's no fun singing Christmas songs by yourself. For a song to make my list, a reasonable number of people at your holiday party should be able to sing it... or at least chime in on the first verse before trailing off into awkward pauses and "La la la"s.

No song parodies. It hurts like major surgery for me to make this rule. Some of my very favorite Christmas songs of all time are song parodies: my friend Tim's hilariously on-target Christmas-themed parody of "Bohemian Rhapsody", "Christmas Rhapsody"; the entire "Very Scary Solstice" songbook from the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society; every Mad Magazine Christmas carol parody ever written. Song parodies are an excellent way to redeem a pretty Christmas tune from cringe-inducing lyrics, and many are just excellent songs on their own. But the idea here is that atheists can have a completely heartfelt, non-snarky love for Christmas music. So to make it onto my list, songs must be entirely sincere. (I will, however, give bonus points to classic Christmas songs that have spawned good parodies.)

 
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