PAPER CUTS: Guns and Moses

Hello folks. Your old friend Charlton Heston here. Most of you know me as the guy who comes into your homes every Easter Sunday, right before the ham is carved. I'm the big swinging dude in the long schmatta, who's married to Yvonne DeCarlo, and speaks directly to God. But whether I am parting the Red Sea, painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, winning a chariot race, or taking back our planet from the Apes, my mission is to lead my kind of people to the promised land.I know that you patriotic citizens out there worry about all manner of vexations and trespass, whether it be for ass, for sheep, for raiment, for virgin daughters, or for any manner of lost thing, as well as the occasional ox goring or smiting. And after forty days and forty nights on Mount Sinai, I think I know a little about punishing transgressors: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a life for a life, whatever. But occasionally you may find that your resolve needs stiffening.That's why I am here today to talk about a problem that is shared by many of my fellow Americans. It may take a little courage to talk about equipment failure, but I've found that everything worthwhile usually does. I'm speaking out in the hope that men with insufficient equipment will find the solution for a condition that affects millions of American families.The good news is that there is an effective treatment for equipment meltdown. The important first step is to join the National Rifle Association. Then, you and your friendly neighborhood NRA member can decide together which supplement is right for you. Whether you need to upgrade your current package, or replace it altogether, help is just a phone call away. Whether it is a Colt Python, an AK47 or a .44 Magnum, there is a weapon just right for you. And with the assistance of the NRA lobby and our friends on the Hill, I can assure you that background checks and waiting periods will soon be a thing of the past. Guns have always been the centerpiece of America's proud history of frontier justice, and continue to be a convincing means of enforcement when making offers that shouldn't be refused. Why when I was back in Egypt, if I had had a couple of guns instead of that wooden rod, Yul Brynner would have let my people go long before I turned the rivers to blood.Not only are guns proven to enhance levels of circulating androgens, but membership in my club has the added advantage of making you a player on the national political scene. In 1994 alone, the year the Republicans regained control of the House and the Senate, our 3 million NRA members contributed to more than 10,000 state and national campaigns, with an 82 percent success rate. In fact by now, just the threat of supporting a congressman's primary opponent is enough to keep him in line.When you join our little NRA mishpocheh, you'll become part of a much larger and more inclusive family. You'll be kissing cousins with the Gun Owners of America, the Small Business Survival Committee, the Association for Concerned Taxpayers, the "Sagebrush Rebellion" Western landowners' groups, Social Security privatizers, home schoolers, the Seniors Coalition (against Medicare and for medical savings accounts), the Christian Coalition, the National Right to Life Committee, and Republicans for Choice, all part of Grover Norquist's "Leave Us Alone" coalition, and all ready to put our equipment on the line. Best of all, my pal House Majority Whip Tom DeLay, who first butted heads with big government as the OHSA fighting owner of a pest control company in Texas, is a key member of our team.As we said after the sieges at Waco and Ruby Ridge, our aim is to keep the "jackbooted government thugs" of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms off our backs. Your aim will help.And if you sign up today, we will send you, at absolutely no extra charge, an autographed picture of me, holding the very same Ten Commandments I picked up on Mount Sinai, suitable for hanging in your den, on the rear window of your pickup, or forcing your local schoolboard to hang in your childrens' classrooms.As for all you gun control advocates out there, you might as well surrender. If you recall, people who don't follow my advice tend to have problems with frogs, lice, flies, boils, hail, locusts, and other annoying pestilences, and if I were you, I'd keep a watchful eye on my first born sons.