News & Politics

Resolutions

Yes, we're doing a resolutions column. What's the matter with you guys? Its the beginning of the year. That's what you do. A resolutions column.
Alright, I'm tired, you're tired. Let's just forget the whole post modern deconstruction crap of why we're doing a resolutions column. Yes, we're doing a resolutions column. What's the matter with you guys? Its the beginning of the year. That's what you do. A resolutions column. Its a tradition. C'mon people, what am I, flying solo here? Deal with it. Or don't.

Here they are: Resolutions Other People Need To Make For The Year 2003. US President George W Bush: Resolves not to make the same mistakes his daddy made, so he takes steps to insure his war with Iraq will last until the year 2008, just like Dick Cheney told him to.

New York Senator Hillary Clinton: Resolves not to make the same mistakes her hubby made, prompting her refusal to speak before any Congressional Committee, which is tough since she's a member of Congress.

Former President Bill Clinton: Resolves to make many more mistakes but not get caught so many times and since he's not in public service anymore, who really gives a rats ass? Okay, maybe Bill O'Reilly.

UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix: Resolves to find something for Christ's Sake. Tainted baby formula. Suspicious shellfish. A radioactive spatula. Something.

Law & Order Producer Dick Wolf: Resolves to leave NBC and form his own network so he can fill each and every prime time slot with Law & Order spinoffs.

Golfer Tiger Woods: Resolves to contract a nagging ear infection until second weekend of April allowing him to ignore any and all questions about Augusta National Women's policy.

Augusta National President Hootie Johnson: Resolves to allow women into Augusta National Golf Club under certain conditions. The conditions include a drastic drop in the temperature and an icy buildup in and around hell.

North Korean President Kim Jong Il: Resolves to keep building nuclear bombs until someone on his team can figure out how to spin turkey sandwiches out of grass.

The National Press Corps: Resolve to treat George W Bush's stimulus package with the same circumspection they did the Raelian claim that aliens from outer space renamed their leader and convinced him to start a religion where all women members have to have sex with him.

Movie Actor Charlie Sheen: Resolves to check out the whole Raelian clergy vacancy situation.

Global Freako Unit Michael Jackson: Also resolves to contact Clonaid. You know for the kids.

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein: Resolves to keep hiring look alikes until every man east of the Sinai Peninsula is an exact double.

Russian President Vladimir Putin: Resolves to make nice with all the folks America is pissing off right now, which seems to include everybody except Britain.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair: Resolves to find a better go- to guy than George W Bush.

Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist: Resolves to treat America just like a North Carolina highway where he can pull over and give succor to the injured and attend to our massive internal injuries.

Former Vice President Al Gore: Resolves to continue cultivating his high profile until asked to become permanent cast member of Saturday Night Live.

Will Durst resolves to engage in more original thought.