6 Revolting Breakfasts That Just Might Kill You Before Lunch
Stay up to date with the latest headlines via email.
A good breakfast is essential to starting your day out right. But what happens when it ends your day instead, by killing you within minutes of eating it?
That’s a project America’s wondrous food industry has been tirelessly working on in recent years. For just as the Kinks weren’t content to be with you in the daytime, food companies are no longer content to accelerate your death during lunch and dinner alone.
The formula for these deadly breakfasts is fairly simple: take a bunch of sugar, starch and animal fat and serve it with a biscuit. Or, put another way, food companies are taking the exact same crap they serve us during our other meals, but hoping the addition of a biscuit and some syrup will make you think you’re eating breakfast.
While there are a lot of horrible breakfast foods out there, six in particular are uniquely eye (and artery) clogging. How bad are these foods, you ask? So bad that the breakfast cereal based on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups actually looks like the healthiest one. With that said, let’s dig in!
The 6th Most Revolting Breakfast: Reese’s Puffs
Even in the highly competitive world of sugary death cereals, Reese’s Puffs stands out. The “cereal” is roughly 41 percent sugar, as each cup contains a remarkable 16 grams of the stuff. WebMD notes that this gives Reese’s Puffs more sugar per cup than one typically finds in a glazed donut.
And then there’s the obnoxiously awful advertising the cereal uses to market itself to kids, such as this atrocious hip-hop song:
The song fortunately lends itself well to parody, thus inspiring me to compose my own version:
“Obese’s Puffs, Obese’s Puffs!
Ate ‘em since I was a fetus
Obese’s Puffs, Obese’s Puffs!
Gave me Type 2 diabetes!”
The best thing about this "cereal" is the fact that General Mills actually posted a list of 18 things kids should do before they turn 18 on the back of the box. Because if you’re eating Reese’s Puffs every morning, you’d better live life to the fullest before you die at 20.
The 5th Most Revolting Breakfast: Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick
Although pancakes and sausages are staples of the American breakfast, they present a challenge for Real Americans who don’t have any use for your fancy-pants knives and forks. Thank the Lord that the brilliant food processing wizards at Jimmy Dean came up with a way to scrap silverware all together by putting sausages and pancakes right where they belong: on a stick.
Each sausagecake stick clocks in at 230 calories, and like so many other processed foods they’ve got plenty of salt, with 340mg a pop. Just think about it: eating two of these things for breakfast will give you more sodium to start your day than eating a small bag of Rold Gold Preztels. That’s not good.
Finally, just look at the damn thing. Even with the magic of Photoshop, Jimmy Dean completely failed to take a picture of the sausagecake stick that looks even remotely appealing. The only way this thing could look worse in real life is if Jimmy Dean culled all of his sausages from a Brazilian colony for leperous pigs.
The 4th Most Revolting Breakfast: The BK Breakfast Bowl
Burger King has decided to follow KFC’s pioneering marketing technique of taking a bunch of crap and throwing it in a bowl. Much like KFC’s infamous Famous Bowl, the BK Breakfast Bowl is a sloppy mess of cholesterol, carbohydrates and dairy fat. BK describes the bowl as an “avalanche of fluffy egg, roasted potatoes and peppers, sizzling sausage, melt-y cheese, and smoky cheese sauce.”