comments_image Comments

Top Billionaire Hedge Funder Sees Himself As a Hyena Devouring Wildebeests

We're ruled over by people who despise us and think of us as prey and themselves as hyenas, busy devouring everything they can.

Continued from previous page


See, spotted hyenas are matriarchal. The females rule each clan, with male hyenas always expected to submit to even the lowest female in the pecking order. The females also sport enormous clitorises as large as the male hyenas’ penises. If there’s a domestic dispute in the hyena clan, the submissive female hyena’s clitoris grows an erection as a sign of her submission to the alpha-queen hyena (the male hyenas cower and scurry around with their tails between heir legs). 

Here’s a description of the female hyena’s bizarre “pseudopenis”:

The labia are fused into what looks like a scrotum, complete with two pads of fatty tissue that resemble testes. In addition, the clitoris is elongated to the point that it is nearly the size of a male's penis and is likewise fully erectile. Astonishingly, females mate and give birth through the long, narrow canal running down the center of this "pseudopenis." During mating it retracts much like a shirt sleeve being pushed up, and during birth it stretches so much that it looks like a water balloon. "From a human perspective, the process can be thought of as giving birth through an unusually large penis," says Frank.

Even Andrea Dworkin would cringe, but for Ray Dalio, this is the description of the ideal Bridgewater employee. Dalio is a major Republican donor—he gave $2 million to the Republican convention in 2008 where Sarah Palin made her debut—and he’s a self-described bow hunter who kills Cape Buffalo and wart hogs. Besides the fact that spotted hyenas live in warthog burrows and generally get along fine with them, Ray Dalio sees himself and his fellow hedge fund billionaires as the spotted hyenas of the gh --and he’s just as successful, by his own boasting: “Like the hyenas attacking the wildebeest, successful people might not even know if or how their pursuit of self-interest helps society, but it typically does.”

And yet, as Robin Meadows writes in the Smithsonian Zoogoer, hyenas are the only known species who get erections as “a submissive gesture” to the dominant female.

Who would have guessed Ray Dalio is so dickless, and proud of it?

But there’s more about the spotted hyena for the aspiring hedge fund maverick to admire: like the spotted hyena’s two pronounced anal glands that squirt out a white pasty substance which produces a “powerful soapy odor which even humans can detect”—that way, you and I can smell if we’ve crossed into a Bridgewater partner’s territory. And hyenas eat anything and everything. It’s true that they chase down wildebeests. But they’re just as happy to eat someone else’s wildebeest too—even if it’s been rotting for days in the Serengeti. Hyenas will follow vultures all the way to some other predator’s kill, then chase them away and devour it themselves. You’ve heard of Wall Street Vultures? Well, hyenas are the vultures of vultures. Nothing makes them sick. Nothing. Spotted hyenas eat every single fucking thing on a rotting corpse, and to prove their point, hyenas begin their meals anuswise: by chewing through the carcass’s anus until reaching the entrails, then tearing into the belly and opening up the whole smorgasborg of guts and ribs and flesh—and finally chewing up and swallowing the rest: hooves, bones, skull, horns…everything is devoured. Almost everything is digested; there’s almost nothing left for a spotted hyena to shit, just a puff of “white powder with a few hairs.”

So to recap: if you want to be like billionaire Ray Dalio, you need to be a submissive vulture-chasing scavenger with no gag reflex whatsoever, willing to swallow anything at all, living with warthogs, scampering away from boner-popping females, and occasionally shitting out plumes of chalk dust. Which is a pretty good description of the Bridgewater Associates employee, as this ex-employee’s confession in  Dealbreaker shows:

See more stories tagged with: