Will Dur$t's Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Just ask anybody. Oh, they’ll tell you. Over and over and over again. On the radio, they’ve been pounding it into our heads ever since November 1st. That’s when a lot of stations went 24/7 Christmas. And every single one of them went 24/7 Christmas ads nauseum. A sixth of a year. Longer than the lifespan of 4 generations of drone ants. More protracted than an entire Minneapolis summer. Double the playoff contention duration of the Detroit Lions.
The problem is, this particular most wonderful time of the year is proving to be a bit less than. More like the most semi- wonderful time of the year or the most not too bad time of the year. Mainly because people like you and me (mostly you) selfishly refuse to stop whining and go out there and do their patriotic duty by sinking deeply into debt to honor the birth of that Jewish hippie kid by buying more stuff than anybody in their right mind really needs. The worst holiday season in recent memory. Except for last year. So, things are looking up. But it’s an odd up.
It is fair to say that a great many of us are not going to find everything we want under the tree. So, making sure that we don’t throw a perfectly good premise out with the financial bath water, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing, WILL DUR$T’$ 2009 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T. These are the presents that folks may not receive wrapped up with bows this year but certainly deserve.
For Bernie Madoff. A sudden illness that causes him to die peacefully in his sleep.
For Joe Biden. Since his foot spends so much time in his mouth, mint flavored shoelaces.
For Tiger Woods. A marriage mulligan.
For Hall & Oates. Another 500 or so casinos in Las Vegas so Cirque du Soleil finally gets around to doing a show based on them.
For Barack Obama. A reset switch for his Presidency.
For Sarah Palin’s Publisher. More best sellers targeted to people who don’t read. Maybe an “audio book for the deaf” division. Cookbooks for Supermodels.
For the US Economy. A bit more stimulus to goose that whole stimulus thing into action.
For the Mitt Romney and the Rest of the Republican National Committee Looking at 2012. Something else on Sarah. Then again, maybe the Mayans were right.
For Newspaper Headline Writers Everywhere. Something else to write other than “Recession Appears to be Over.”
For Mexican President Calderon. A wall on the border to control our immigration.
For the Imposters Who Crashed the White House. An endorsement deal with Butterfingers.
For the Democrats in Congress. A year’s supply of whole milk to put a little calcium into their spine.
For Medical Science to Study. Dick Cheney’s heart. George Bush’s brain. And Howard Dean's mouth.
For Granny. Someone to ask, if maybe she might not like her plug to be pulled.
For Those 3 Hikers Facing Trial in Iran. Bill Clinton’s attention.
For Glenn Beck. A one way ticket on the clue train.
For South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. See Tiger Woods.
For Joe Lieberman. A diamond-studded collar to befit his position as GOP lap dog.
The State of Texas. A time out, so they stop executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor as well.