Tiger Woods Syndrome: How the Golf Star's Affair Will Help Him Win Our Hearts and Minds
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Integration through Sex
Actually, I like Tiger’s definition of himself (on Oprah) as being "Cablinasian," a mix of Caucasian, African, Thai, Chinese and Native American. The term, silly as it sounds, points the way to our mixed-race future, where I’ve long predicted that we will soon achieve "Integration through Sex," and racial bigotry will seem as strange as hieroglyphics. But in the meantime, most Americans, racist bigots or excited cuckolds, just look at Tiger and say he’s black. Then they look at all his hot white concubines in teeny bikinis, and they don’t know whether to call the cops or masturbate. Or both.
I must confess I am personally hoping that at least one of Tiger’s Girls comes out with a film of their lovemaking. I’d watch it, wouldn’t you? Tiger’s Wood caught on tape! Of course, several companies in Porn Valley are already in production on their XXX versions of Puttergate, with Cablinasian porn stars vying to play Tiger. Vivid, in collaboration with Adam & Eve, is casting Tyler Knight as the title lead in “Tiger’s Wood” with Kayden Kross as wife Elin Nordegren.
Porn is, after all, a big part of Tiger’s story. At least two of his alleged mistresses, Holly Sampson and Joslyn James, are actual porn stars with long lists of credits. And really, “Tiger Woods” is such a porn name to begin with. It’s like his parents raised him to be a famous stud, as well as a sports star. And don’t they go together? Athletes tend to have hot, big, strong bodies, powerful drives and lots of stamina. And isn’t the ultimate hole-in-one between the legs of a hot woman?
Tiger the Exhibitionist
It’s the 9-iron swinging in his pants that is probably Tiger’s greatest pride and biggest embarrassment. He seems to yearn to show it off, in addition to sticking it into a lot of places, er, women, and mostly without protection (according to one of his mistresses), another no-no. An exhibitionist like Tiger must be frustrated that professional golf clothes tend to be loose trousers, instead of those tight football pants or bicycle shorts. So he shows it off in other ways.
Tiger is obviously no raincoat flasher, nor is he a professional exhibitionist like his porn star girlfriends. But he seems to have a profound desire to expose himself, or perhaps to be exposed, caught in the act he loves best. Why else would such a disciplined person be so careless, almost carefree about his indiscretions. Did his inner Bad Boy really wanted to get caught so he could end the impossible Good Boy charade he’s put on all his life? His lovers say he enjoys outdoor sex, and I don’t think it’s just because he’s a nature-lover. On some level, he wanted his wild side -- the inner Tiger -- to leap out of its respectable cage and romp around the world, risking being caught. Many of my sex therapy clients are exhibitionists who lead elaborate double lives. Though they take great pains to keep their philandering secrets from leaking into their public, respectable, married lives, they often fantasize about being "caught" by authorities, relatives or the whole world. Tiger Woods, a man of action, did more than fantasize. He made it happen.
While Bad Tiger exposes himself to the world, Good Tiger is doing damage control. He won a court injunction against anyone publishing nude photos of himself, so it might be a while before we get to see Tiger’s actual wood. But the fact that he sought the court injunction means photos probably do exist. With all of his professional exhibitionist girlfriends, I’m sure several hard drives and iPhones are filled with photos of their super-special sex with Tiger.