Tiger Woods Syndrome: How the Golf Star's Affair Will Help Him Win Our Hearts and Minds

I'm in the midst of a humongous move and have no time to even look at the news, let alone write about it. But how can I -- how can anyone -- avoid the Erotic Adventures of Tiger Woods? It’s a soap operatic porno reality show streaming live before our eyes, ears, sanctimonious sensibilities and deep voyeuristic desires.

At first, I thought, so what? Another sports superstar is caught having illicit sex with a few different mistresses? Well, more than a few. But is that such a surprise? So Tiger’s got wood! Sure, he presented himself as the honest, monogamous "Family Man" to score the most lucrative endorsements he could. But don’t all sports stars do that? And does anyone over 18 actually believe that any of these hot-blooded jocks really ARE that? I mean, isn’t Tiger’s active, messy sex life par for the course? Yes and no. In some ways, Mr. Woods is a typical alpha male. And in some ways, he’s special. Tiger’s harem is bigger than most sports stars, though he hardly touches basketball Hall of Famer Wilt Chamberlain who confessed to having had sex with over 20,000 different women. Both Wilt and Tiger could be labeled what counselors and sexperts deem a “sex addict.” But professional athletes are often found to be addicted to all kinds of dangerous drugs. And sex -- especially the way Tiger seems to have used it -- is a kind of drug.

Interracial Sperm Wars

But why all the fuss? Because a black guy is getting all the white women? Not just a gorgeous, Swedish, blonde, blue-eyed, whiter-than-white wife, but a bevy of Aryan bikini models, porn stars, hot hostesses and waitresses. Are people secretly alarmed by all that interracial sex? Or are they aroused by it? Or both?

My cuckold sex therapy clients are blowing up my phone, like First Mistress Rachel Uchitel is reported to have squealed that Tiger was "blowing up [her] phone" when they first met. Just in case you don’t know, a cuckold is a guy whose wife has sex with other men. On the surface, it sounds like a bad deal for the cuckold, but a lot of husbands fantasize about their wives having sex with other men because the Sperm Wars Effect turns them on.

The presence or mere fantasy of male competition for the woman you desire triggers a man’s testicles to increase sperm production so as to better compete for the egg with the other guy’s sperm, enhancing arousal, erection and ejaculation.

Tiger himself seems to be turned on by the Sperm Wars effect. Consider how he goes for “slutty” women who have a lot of lovers. His text messages may make him seem *jealous* of their other men, but he’s actually aroused by the competition.

The interracial sex aspect kicks it up a notch. The most popular turn-on for my Caucasian cuckold clients is to see their white wives having wild sex with well-endowed African-American men. Now that the Cadillac has hit the tree, so to speak, their biggest fantasy is to see their wives or girlfriends doing Tiger Woods. He’s the old myth of the “Mandingo” come to life, the black man who comes to town and seduces all the white men’s wives. Though only Tiger’s single girlfriends have come forward, that doesn’t exclude married lovers who would naturally be more inclined to be discreet. As I write this, millions of cuckolds around the world, wondering if Tiger’s been doing their wives, are worshiping the Woodsman as the Great Black Sex God. Even though he says he’s not black.

Integration through Sex

Actually, I like Tiger’s definition of himself (on Oprah) as being "Cablinasian," a mix of Caucasian, African, Thai, Chinese and Native American. The term, silly as it sounds, points the way to our mixed-race future, where I’ve long predicted that we will soon achieve "Integration through Sex," and racial bigotry will seem as strange as hieroglyphics. But in the meantime, most Americans, racist bigots or excited cuckolds, just look at Tiger and say he’s black. Then they look at all his hot white concubines in teeny bikinis, and they don’t know whether to call the cops or masturbate. Or both.