U.S. Fails to Make Top 10 in Quality of Life Index, or Why Right-Wingers Really Hate the U.N.

Now we know why right-wingers from Phyllis Schlafly to Mike Huckabee hate the United Nations: the international body founded by our great nation consistently fails to recognize our Number-One, ass-kicking, towel-head-drubbing greatness.

Take, for instance, the U.N.'s newly-released Human Development Index, which measures quality of life in 182 nations. The United States, often referred to as the world's richest nation, didn't even make the top 10. We came in at 13, which is surely a numerological conspiracy designed to bring us even worse luck than we've had lately, what with job numbers shrinking and a communist in the White House.

In fact, we were beat by France (ranked 8th), for cryin' out loud -- a nation of Arab-coddling croissant-eaters. You know it had to be rigged. And Red Canada fourth place, with its government-taken-over Soviet health-care system!

Sure, it's easy to claim a higher quality of life when you live in a place like France, where you get 30 days of paid vacation every year. Never mind that their productivity numbers nearly equal ours. Where's the index for rugged individualism and personal responsibility? How good do ya think them Frenchies would do on that, huh?

They just don't have the stuff to accept a shorter life expectancy and crappy health care. (The lifespan for African-Americans in the former French city of New Orleans is about the same as that of people living in North Korea.)

But, hey, they're not who we mean when we talk about Americans, anyway. I don't want your damn pinko health care. And keep your hands off my gun. Oh, and, U.S. outta the U.N., dammit!