5 Crazy Right-Wing Freak-Outs in Just One Glorious Week
Continued from previous page
Regardless of how this ultimately turns out, you have to seriously question the intelligence of a man who talks openly of canning his entire police department. It’s almost as if he’s begging to be pulled over and subjected to multiple anal cavity searches.
Number 3: John L. Perry urges a military coup against Obama
I knew that right-wingers would at some point start harboring fantasies of launching a military coup against Barack Obama, but even I confess that I didn’t expect them to come less than 10 months into his presidency.
But NewsMax columnist John L. Perry decided that the threat of Obamunism was too dire to ignore much longer and felt forced to go Full Metal Wingnut in his column this week. The piece was hilariously titled “Obama Risks a Domestic Military Intervention,” thus suggesting that if the military decided to launch a coup against the president it would be entirely his own fault. The best part about having a coup, says Perry, is that it would be practically guaranteed to be non-violent, since “America isn't the Third World” and “if a military coup does occur here it will be civilized.”
I’m not sure how this would play out in real life. I’m picturing military troopers storming the White House dressed in rainbow-colored uniforms and armed with guns that fire only flowers and puffy white clouds.
“Please come out to play with us!” the commandos would yell at Obama.
At any rate, this column was so nutty that apparently even NewsMax decided to yank it.
Number 2: Dan Riehl suggests that dead census worker could have been a “child predator”
While there is still much we don’t know about the death of census worker Bill Sparkman – who was found hanging from a tree with the word “Fed” written across his chest – it’s probably safe to assume that it wasn’t a suicide. Blogger Dan Riehl, however, took a bold new tack in the investigation this week when he used flimsy circumstantial evid… hell, it doesn’t even qualify as that. Long story short, Riehl speculated that Sparkman may have been a “child predator.”
Why? Because according to Riehl, “Sparkman's bio and work history suggests at the least he was not just your average guy. No teaching degree, no full-time means of employment and no wife or kids so far as I am aware. But he certainly did gravitate towards children. I can't help but wonder if this wasn't a revenge killing disguised to look like something else. If he did have issues in this regard and messed with the wrong kid, it isn't as if something like that can be ruled out until we know more.”
There are times when reading conservative blogs makes me feel outright dirty. This is one of those times.
Number 1: Conservatives everywhere declare that it’s their patriotic duty to stop America from hosting the Olympics
Conservatives are well-known for not only wearing their American flags on their hearts, but on their nipples and groins as well. But all that changed last week when Barack Obama began lobbying the International Olympic Committee to let his hometown of Chicago host the summer Olympics in 2016.
Immediately after Obama started his push, conservatives began attacking Chicago as a crime-infested hellhole unfit to hold prestigious international events. Fox News contributor Kimberly Guilfoyle, for instance, said Chicago had problems of “lawlessness, violence on the street, innocent bystanders being killed, children beaten and unable to go to schools.” The ever-classy Sean Hannity, meanwhile, decided to help Chicago’s Olympic bid by highlighting the story of a 14-year-old boy who was chased down and beaten with a pipe. And Michelle Malkin decided to do her part to help Obama by highlighting his “Chicago cronies Olympics bid.”