News & Politics  
comments_image Comments

10 of the Most Obscenely Stupid Right-Wing Conspiracy Theories and Attacks Against the President

Obama's nefarious plan for the nation's genitals? His evil designs on your children? Here are the most absurd right-wing assaults on the president -- and logic and reason.

Today President Obama gave a speech urging America's schoolchildren to do their homework and stay in school.

Naturally, conservatives have been extremely alarmed about the address, because obviously the president is looking to create a vast army of adorable little zombies that will help him destroy America faster.

All last week, conservative bloggers and pundits gleefully accused the centrist president of plotting to force radical politics on America's impressionable youth, after Florida's Republican chairman Jim Greer said Obama's address would "indoctrinate" children and spread "socialist ideology."

The week of right-wing echo chamber freak-outs led to protests by conservative parents, which put school districts throughout the country in the unenviable position of having to deal with the "controversy": Some decided not to air the president's address; others required parental permission.

So, thanks to the right-wing saviors of America's youth, a bunch of kids have been shielded from the president's dangerous message that learning things is good.

Could this be the stupidest, most irrational way conservatives have tried to tear down Obama? Is it even possible to answer that question?

We've assembled the most absurd, logic-defying right-wing attacks on the president. Some you've undoubtedly encountered before; all are incessantly blared by conservative pundits and shock jocks, while many are cynically embraced by GOP lawmakers.

Assembled together, they illustrate the absurd extremes to which right-wingers are trying to drive the public discourse in their efforts to thwart essential reforms in health care, energy policy and the economy.

The Advent of Socialism/Fascism

Most historians would agree that fascism and socialism represent vastly different ideologies and historical phenomena. But not the historians at Fox News! Since Obama took office, right-wing pundits have lobbed these smears interchangeably, not quite clarifying whether Obama is leading the proletariat to a glorious Utopian Future or trying to bring the master race to world dominion.

Obama's Nefarious Plan for the Nation's Genitals

When news leaked of a CDC report recommending that boys be circumcised as a preventative measure against HIV infection, right-winger conspiracy theorists decided to fret that the federal government would mandate circumcision. Since Patrick Henry isn’t around, it was up to Rush Limbaugh to sound the rallying cry against tyranny: "Leave our penises alone, too, Obama!" roared Limbaugh in a July 24 radio broadcast.

The next day, while discussing an unrelated dispute with Jay-Z, the talk show host said, "I would remind the rapper Jay Z; Mr. Z, it is President Obama who wants mandated circumcision. We had that yesterday. That means if we need to save our penises from anybody, it's Obama."

Needless to say, Obama had nothing to do with the CDC report, and doesn't appear to have ever publicly uttered the word "circumcision." Nor did he recommend the CDC promote circumcision.

None of this, of course, discouraged Limbaugh from running with the best metaphor for white male anxiety in the age of Obama, ever.

The Birthers

Remember when the president invented a time machine and traveled back in time to plant his own birth announcement in a Hawaiian newspaper and forge a certificate of birth proving he was born in the States, all to hide the fact that he's a foreigner from a country filled with scary black people?

That, of course, appears to be the only explanation for why the birther nonsense continues to gurgle up online (even though certain idiots, who for mysterious reasons still have shows on CNN, have finally stopped giving this nonsense the patina of mainstream credibility).

Recently, some birthers on Free Republic argued that the only way to determine the president's birthplace for sure was by checking if he is circumcised. (It would seem that there needs to be a subcategory on this list for these patriots' obsession with the president's penis.)