The Fast Food Industry's 7 Most Heinous Concoctions
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No. 3 -- Hardee's Monster Thickburger
Simply put, the Monster Thickburger is a fat, sloppy middle finger aimed at nutritionists everywhere. Clocking in at an artery-blowing 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat, the Thickburger premiered in 2004, when McDonald's and Burger King were starting to sell out and offer their customers salads. In defending his decision to sell such a gaping monstrosity, Hardee's CEO Andrew Puzder played George W. Bush to McDonald's and Burger King's John Kerry, essentially calling them out as wimps who didn't have the balls to dramatically shorten their customers' life expectancy with just one meal. Specifically, he said the Thickburger was "not a burger for tree-huggers" but rather "for guys who want a really big, delicious, juicy decadent burger." Yes, gents, nothing will show the ladies how manly you are quite like a belly made entirely of butter.
No. 2 -- The KFC Double Down
Apparently determined to take the Atkins Diet to its most insane and illogical conclusion, KFC has released a new sandwich that succeeds in eliminating carbohydrate-packed bread by replacing it with two slabs of fried chicken. And oh yeah, in between the chicken they lay down heaping gobs of bacon and Swiss and pepper pack cheese. The KFC Double Down is really the ideological heir to the Thickburger, as it was seemingly designed for the sole purpose of pissing off nutrition advocates.
You can imagine future commercials where a rugged Ford-truck-style announcer comes on and says, "The next time some fruity bureaucrat tells you to exercise, look him in the eye and say, 'Hell no! I'm doublin' down with the KFC Double Down!' " The Double Down is slightly wimpier than the Thickburger as it only contains an estimated 1,200 calories. However, it more than makes up for this because it also contains something called "The Colonel's Sauce," which probably contains at the very least 2 percent all-natural radioactive waste.
No. 1 -- Domino's Oreo Cookie Pizza
Sure, everybody loves pizza. But what do you do when traditional pizza has lost its magic? How do you retain your love for it when all the fatty toppings -- pepperoni, buffalo chicken, Alfredo sauce and so forth -- just aren't satisfying you the way they used to? If you're Domino's, you take one of the world's least-healthy cookies and couple it with large doses of frosting to cover an entire pizza crust. Were Dr. Jack Kevorkian still practicing his trade, he'd surely use consumption of the Oreo pizza as his preferred method of assisted suicide. Truly, the only way this sucker could be any worse would be to put it in blender with a bucket of cheeseburger fries and then pour the resulting mixture into a bowl and then cover it with processed cheese.
Which, come to think of it, hasn't been tried yet. Anyone want to drive me to the patent office?