News & Politics

Frequently Asked Questions About Our Imminent Attack on Iraq

Question: The economy sucks, Bush is president and we're going to war with Iraq. This seems a bit of a familiar road, what?
Q. The economy sucks, Bush is president and we're going to war with Iraq. This seems a bit of a familiar road, what?

A. It's deja vu all over again. I think Sherman must have set the Wayback Machine to 1991. Hope this doesn't mean we'll also have to live through another whole spate of Pauly Shore star vehicles.

Q. Why exactly are we poised to blow Baghdad to smithereens?

A. Think of it as the old David Copperfield strategy. "Economy? What economy? Hey, look at that mean old alligator chowing down on that puppy kennel over there."

Q. No, no, I mean, what is the administration's rationale for getting ready to blow Baghdad to smithereens?

A. Oh, that. Hussein is piling up weapons of mass destruction. Big piles. Huge piles.

Q. But aren't we planning to blow them to smithereens with weapons of mass destruction?

A. Ah, but those are OUR weapons of mass destruction. Totally different. Night and day. Bruce and Gunther.

Q. Okay, I'll bite. What's the difference between Hussein's weapons of mass destruction and our weapons of mass destruction?

A. We give ours happy names. The Daisycutter. Bomb or garden tool? Hard to tell, right? The Peacekeeper. A multiple warhead hydrogen bomb called the Peacekeeper. Clever, hunh? We also refer to sledgehammers as finger massage utensils. Its not mustard gas, its a really strong antihistamine.

Q. How long has Saddam been guilty of stockpiling these weapons of mass destruction?

A. Oh, about since 1980.

Q. Wasn't he our good buddy back then?

A. As a matter of fact, the weapons of mass destruction he used on Iran, he got from us. Which might be the hidden agenda here. We want them back.

Q. If George W Bush is willing to take out Iraq for a lousy mid- term election, what's he going to do for crunch time in 2 years when he's up for re- election?

A. Don't know. Maybe declare war on Canada. We'll should start hearing drumbeats about the Maple Leaf Menace pretty soon now. Playing the South Park Card. "Oh my God, they've killed Cheney. You bastards."

Q. We say Iraq has nuclear weapons. What kind of delivery system would they use to hit us with them?

A. Nobody knows. Ox- cart? Cow? No, that's Pakistan.

Q. Bush gave a speech where he scolded the UN for being a bunch of pussies. How did this go down internationally?

A. Not well. A German official likened the President's tactics to those of Hitler. That can't be good. Germany. Hitler. That's like Mike Tyson petitioning the court for a restraining order on your ass.

Q. But you got to admit, we did liberate Afghanistan, right?

A. Yeah, we made it safe for Britney Spears and Taco Bell. In the meantime, they assassinated their vice president and just missed offing the president. Now that you mention it, I guess they are getting the hang of this democracy thing.

Will Durst wonders how long before South Africa throws sanctions on us.