What Should Be Done With Dick Cheney and Scott Roeder?

Allow me to illustrate (sarcastically) a couple problems our nation is facing, followed by a great "two-birds-with-one-stone" type solution.

Problem One: Dick Cheney's torture boner keeps knocking over expensive vases.

Ever since hobbling out of the Bush administration shadows, Cheney has become somewhat of a star in his own one-man torture show. Just a few weeks back, he bragged to the American Enterprise Institute that the Bush administration happily "committed to using every asset to taking down [terrorist] networks," including waterboarding. The interrogators, he added, "can be proud of their work and proud of the results. I will always be grateful to each one of them."

Then today, the Washington Post showed that Cheney pressured Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to hastily complete torture memos, in spite of resistance from then-deputy attorney general Jim Comey. "The analysis was flawed," Comey wrote of a meeting he attended to discuss Cheney's proposed policy. "I had grave reservations about the second opinion."

Cheney, despite mounting evidence that his warped interrogation policies (and with them, their "legal" justifications) were brutal and ineffective, refuses to give it up. That's Problem One.

Problem Two involves Scott Roeder, the militant right-wing crazeball suspected in the death of Dr. George Tiller. Though he hasn't admitted to the killing, Roeder has promised that attacks similar to Tiller's will continue all across the country until abortion is no longer legal. Today, he told CNN that Tiller's death was "a victory for all the unborn children."

Hmmm...how will we ever get Roeder to spill the beans about what Cheney might call "future attacks on American soil?" And what can we do to sate Cheney's throbbing, erotic attraction to waterboarding?

Lightbulb!

Why not fill up the ol' pitcher and let Cheney see if he can get a confession out of Roeder? Dicky boy has already proven it's quicker than pursuing any sort of conventional, legal or (God forbid!) diplomatic method of fighting terrorism. Might as well strike while the iron is hot.

I bet Cheney could even get Roeder to fess up to the Kennedy assassination, while he's at it.