Not Even Chuck Norris Can Save the GOP

Before the 2004 election, no small number of progressives were heard to say to their friends, "If George W. Bush gets re-elected, I'm moving to Canada." With but a few isolated exceptions, they weren't serious -- just expressing their exasperation that a majority of their fellow citizens could sign up for another four years of what was already a disastrous presidency. Conservatives saw the sentiment as yet more evidence of liberals' shaky loyalty to the Land of the Free.

Just a few months into Barack Obama's presidency, it's the conservatives who are talking about leaving. And not just in private conversations or on little-read blogs; a number of Republican state legislators have introduced "sovereignty resolutions" in an apparent attempt to re-enact the events leading up to the Civil War (Ed Kilgore explains here). And the state that seems to have the itchiest finger on the secession trigger is Texas, where Gov. Rick Perry has been hinting that the Lone Star State might have to go its own way (incredibly, when one poll asked whether the state should secede, Texas Republicans were evenly split). But if Perry is going to make his state an independent nation, he'll have to compete for leadership with a unique political figure: Chuck Norris.

In a recent column titled "I May Run for President of Texas," Norris writes that he might have no choice: "That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not I, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star State, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state. … I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it."

I know what you're thinking: "Chuck Norris writes a column about politics?" Indeed he does (you can peruse the archive here). His columns are standard conservative fare, melding strict social conservatism and frontier libertarianism, with no acknowledgment of the contradictions between the two. While it would be a stretch to call Norris a good writer or find any particular insight in his work, there are dozens of conservative columnists out there who are no better.

His modest writing talents aside, Norris is a huge star on the political right. And I think he's just the guy to lead the conservative movement toward its destiny as a tiny band of outcasts, their love for America so powerful, they must shake their fists in impotent rage at its society and government until secession seems the only option.

Norris' latest book, Black Belt Patriotism, begins, "I love America: always have, always will. But even the most patriotic among us will confess that America seems to have lost its way." You can guess where it goes from there -- kids not respecting their elders, no prayer in schools, out-of-control government, insecure borders -- you've heard it before. In other words, this country has gone right to hell.

Many people first noticed that Norris was a political figure in late 2007, when the martial-arts star endorsed Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Huckabee put up an ad in which shots of Norris praising Huckabee alternated with shots of Huckabee saying things like "When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down." The jokes were taken from a popular Web site, chucknorrisfacts.com, which features such facts as "Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird" and "Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is." (Unsurprisingly, the independently created site has Norris' blessing.)

One has to admit that Norris is a unique cultural figure. Despite an apparent inability to express any human emotions, he built a successful career "acting" in B-movies and on television, perhaps most notably as Walker, Texas Ranger. His ass-kicking days may be behind him, but Norris has become a kind of camp icon of stoic manliness. Recently a bakery in Split, Croatia, that had been burglarized multiple times put up a poster of Norris in its window, with the words "This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris." The burglaries stopped. "Everyone around here has seen his films, and he's quite a popular character, perhaps even among criminals, so they've decided to leave us alone," said a clerk at the store.