Ex-Stripper Army Wife Talks Military Marriages, War, PTSD, and Secret Shoe Phones

By Diablo Cody, SMITH Magazine. Posted May 14, 2009.

Chaos gets less appealing as time goes by and I am getting neater. Slowly. For instance, the other night, I had to get out of bed to shut the bedroom door because it was open a crack. A crack. Unacceptable. Which shows you that people really can change. A little. I truly wish I were a neatnik, but I’m one of those people who just doesn’t *see* certain messes until they’re about to topple over and crush me under their weight. I’m clean, but I’m very, very cluttery. My closet looks like Goodwill exploded. It’s so sad.

DC: Do you feel like you’re fully part of the Army family? I was struck by the "Welcome to the Army" bridal butt-tapping ritual you described. It’s not like marrying a guy, it’s like marrying a whole organization. When did you feel like you belonged?

LB: For a long time, I’d say, a couple of years, I was very uneasy, like being an Army wife ran counter to everything I valued about myself as a characteristic -- being an independent loudmouth. And I know that was part of why I crashed so hard. Once I got my head straight, that misfit feeling lessened, though it never went completely away. It’s challenging when your primary social currency is sarcasm and everyone around you is earnest and polite. But sometimes, the snark breaks through and I do appreciate it. One extremely conservative Christian general, at a retirement ceremony over which he was presiding, looked at all the people clinging to the back wall, afraid to sit up front, and he motioned everyone forward with this almost papal arm motion and said, "Come on up. This isn’t church!" At one of the countless buffet receptions I went to, this Captain and I were jockeying over the chafing dish for the last of the stuffed mushrooms. He was about to edge me out of the dish completely when he turned the handle of the the slotted spoon toward me in concession and said, "If we don’t eat stuffed mushrooms, the terrorists win!"

I started to feel like I belonged when I could go through an entire social function seamlessly -- from the hostess gift to the small talk to addressing everyone properly, and still manage to have a meaningful conversation with another wife during the whole proceeding. It’s a very self-conscious environment, a mixed Army function, so it takes a while to relax when you are new to it because it feels like such a performance -- and in many cases, it is! You are absolutely being judged as an extension of your mate. Seriously? I wish there was an I CAN HAZ BUNDT CAKE website of captioned photos of awkward military social functions: "I’m in yer kitchin, eatin’ yer devulled eggz1!"

I will mention this as an interesting barometer of social awareness within the Army: A friend of mine went to a military wedding where the bride and groom *both* got the fanny-tap with the saber guard’s sword. Granted, the groom was already in the military, but they were making A Statement.

DC: Fantasy question: If you had to join the military, where would you see yourself fitting in? Who is Major Burana?

LB: I would totally be Military Intelligence, like my husband, but with a linguistic specialty. For starters, it’s a branch that is open to women -- not all of them are. Also, I like running in and screaming "FIRST," and MI’s motto is "Always Out Front." MI is nosing around before anyone else gets someplace, and I’d appreciate knowing seekrit stuff before anybody else and using that intelligence for a good purpose. I feel strongly that I would enjoy any job that required steaming open mail and eavesdropping and translating. Third, I’m completely convinced they really have shoe phones like Maxwell Smart. Don’t let them tell you any different. Who doesn’t want a shoe phone?

See more stories tagged with: iraq, army, ptsd, stripping, strippers, diablo cody, lily burana, i love a man in uniform

Liked this story? Get top stories in your inbox each week from AlterNet! Sign up now »