Ex-Stripper Army Wife Talks Military Marriages, War, PTSD, and Secret Shoe Phones

By Diablo Cody, SMITH Magazine. Posted May 14, 2009.

LB: EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is controversial. It is based on therapist Francine Shapiro’s observation that when negative, traumatic memories are accessed in the mind, the eyes move back and forth rapidly, almost like REM sleep. EMDR uses the eye movements and left brain/right brain stimuli to basically take these "hot wire" memories and cool them down so you’re not constantly triggered by them.

On the face of it, EMDR seems kind of silly. But then, so does sitting in a chair talking about what has bothered you for so long and expecting it to get better just because you voiced it aloud. EMDR is not viewed as a legitimate treatment by some people, but the accepted treatment of "blah blah blah" talk therapy wasn’t working for me, so I figured, what did I have to lose by trying EMDR? It isn’t administered by a guy in an orange robe trying to get you to fork over your life savings and follow him into the desert, so I figured why not? It didn’t cost more than conventional talk therapy, or take any more time. I didn’t want to be a drugged out zombie and I didn’t want to be hypnotized or have memories "erased" or anything like that. So it seemed promising.

I know mileage varies, but EMDR has worked brilliantly for me. Victoria Britt, whom I saw for treatment, is quite experienced with trauma therapy. She’s not a bargain basement therapist with a laser pointer going, "Ooooh, follow this back and forth!" then turning you loose to put a gun in your mouth later. She is expert at pacing and using breathing and acupressure points to keep you in balance so you’re not just this big walking wound, which is very, very important. You can’t just wander into the depths of your psyche for an hour then leave the therapist’s office without some "come-down" care. You need to end each session in a relaxed state, because these are heavy, heavy life-and-death memories you are dealing with.

Had I not met Mike, I really don’t know where I’d be. So many people who were abused as children have "intimacy issues" as adults -- it can be hard to take long-term relationships seriously when you were set up so young to not trust. One of the things that Victoria said to me, which I think is quite beautiful, is that sometimes two people come together in order to heal. I believe that is true in my marriage.

DC: You talk about some of the judgment you faced when you first became an Army spouse. (Meow!) How do you think the book will be received in that community? I personally thought the book was really positive and reverent, but then, I’m negative and irreverent.

LB: On one hand, I have military wives coming out of every corner of the country saying, "OMG, me, toooooooo!" after reading the book. Not that there are so many ex-stripper military wives (but there are more than a few!), but so many women feel emboldened to admit that they, too, feel that gut-churning, heart-thumping mix of pride and frustration as military wives. That nexus between your self and your service to this larger community is an intense spot, and in social settings, we’re groomed specifically to be non-controversial, so in each other’s company face-to-face we don’t often get to the heart of certain matters. And there is still the longstanding urging to "not bring shame" upon the military, by, you know, admitting it’s not perfect and you’re not perfect, which gets old. How much game-face can one girl have? I say that as someone who *loves* the Army as a family unit.

That said, the institutional response has been mixed. Some good friends who were mentors to my husband, and who are at the pinnacle of their careers, like, guys who have their own flag set out before they enter a room (!!!! how do we get in on this?!) have written very moving notes of support to us. But then I got punted from signing books at the West Point cadet book store because my presence would be "inappropriate." There’s this.

DC: This is such a dumb question, but I’m a slob and am fascinated with how organized military guys are. Have any of Mike’s rituals/quirks rubbed off on you?

LB: True story: Today, Mike walked into my office, made his patiently loving "I’m not judging you" judgey face, then picked up the old empty yogurt container that was on a high shelf near my desk, and threw it away. So, I feel you on the slob front. He and I really are like Felix Unger and Oscar Madison -- if left to my own devices, I would live in a sty. Just throw some orange peels in there for me to eat and let me wallow. I’m a savage, I admit it. But over time I have come to see the benefit of being organized -- for instance, you can find things when you need them. I am continually amazed by the efficiency of this system! How novel, how handy!

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