Why Bristol Palin Really Is the Perfect Ambassador for Abstinence Education

It's springtime in Wasilla, and the air must be very, very thin. Yesterday Bristol Palin was announced as a new national ambassador for teenage abstinence. No, there's here's no punch line. Given the regularity with which the various members of Alaska's gothic first family (both indicted and unindicted) have inserted themselves into the news since Mrs. Palin's failed run for vice president last fall (and turning the American media into their own personal haunted house in the process) yesterday's announcement of Bristol's new role was more like turning the dial to a reality show and seeing familiar cast member who has inexplicably not as yet been voted off Pop Culture Island than it was actual news.

OK, I have to ask: How on earth does Bristol Palin find time to fly around singing the praises of sexual abstinence, between pursuing that elusive high school diploma, and caring for the son she and Levi Johnston had as...well...teenagers not practicing sexual abstinence? And second of all, why is the daughter of Alaska's increasingly unpopular governor still in the news at all?

Cynic that I am, I confess that my first thought was, Bristol Palin is the last person on earth anyone would want as a poster girl for "abstinence education" for several reasons besides the obvious one. For one thing, her pregnancy was the most glaring proof that the moral agenda her mother was so hell bent to impose on everyone else's family didn't even work in her own family.

For another, there has been no apparent downside to the out-of-wedlock birth of her son, who has, by all accounts, been a joy for the entire family. As a textbook example of an accidental pregnancy gone right, what is Bristol going to tell the girls she lectures to? "Well yes, I had a baby and I wasn't married. It was a blessing. We all look after the baby, and the whole family loves him, and they all help out. But---don't get pregnant. It'll be a disaster for you!" Or, better still, is she going to continue to say it on television, made up like a teen idol and styled to the hilt, with her handsome father sitting beside bouncing his beautiful grandson on his knee? And this presents an accurate portrait of the consequences of teenage pregnancy how, exactly? What's the message? Where's the deterrent?

On February 18th of this year, Bristol told FOX news that abstinence was "not realistic." Today, clearly having learned at the knee of the master, she claims the quote was "taken out of context." In the same interview, Governor Palin said she was "proud of her daughter" for "wanting to take on an advocacy role, and, you know, just let other girls know that this is -- it's not the most ideal situation, but certainly, make the most of it. And Bristol is a strong and bold young woman and she is an amazing mom. And this little baby is very lucky to have her as a mama. He's going to be just fine."

All very touching, like a commercial for someone planning to run for president in four years who wants to make sure the family values folks know she's still standing shoulder to shoulder with them against the foe. See folks? We're still here, and we're still just a family of Joe Sixpacks tryin' ta do the right thing. That, of course, was back when Levi Johnson was still Miss Palin's "fiancé," and Mrs. Palin's followers were still caught up in the romance of the wedding Mrs. Palin assured her conservative admirers of during the election. The Palins made sure that there were more than enough photo-ops showcasing the baby, with Levi Johnson even then looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch moose that had wandered into frame and been whacked over the head with a two by four.

He must have sense what was coming. In short order, Johnston began to appear on various television shows with his family, accusing the Palins of interfering with his access to his son.