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Good News/"Good" News August 29, 2002

By Matthew Wheeland, AlterNet. Posted August 29, 2002.


In solidarity with the overwhelming power of business interests at the World Summit in Johannesburg, GN/BN has switched over to the Dark Side.

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As you all know, the World Summit is going strong this week. By going strong, I mean the United States and its affiliated business interests are going strong. They're watering down, shredding up, obfuscating and spinning like as if it were their jobs. And to tell you the truth? We've sorta got caught up in this. It's nice to see the pros at work. So we present to you, the readers of this column, a special WSSD-edition of GN/BN, wherein all Bad News is magically transformed into "Good" News.

"Good" News

Leading the way for our "Good" news section, everyone's favorite corporate apologist, Bjorn Lomborg, has his own principled view on the state of the world. To wit, everything's OK. Sure, we've got some problems, but fixing them is only a waste of money, when we can just learn to adjust later, and save money in the process! Tuvalu may have some contention with this theory, but they're a small island nation, and we've got room for all of them on Bjorn's sizeable yacht!

President Bush is "fully engaged and committed" to sustainability. He couldn't make it to Johannesburg because his expertise is desperately needed to fix the U.S. economy and eradicate terror from the Earth. Have no fear, world citizens: he is in constant communication with Colin Powell, and together, they will fix everything.

When the World Health Organization and the World Trade Organization meet in Zimbabwe, and the World Health Organization then says that genetically modified foods are "unlikely" to kill you or make you grow gills and/or a prehensile forehead, it's because of strict scientific evaluation, and not because they've got butt-loads of GM corn rotting in warehouses. OK?

Talking about free trade means we're talking about the 51st state of the U.S., Corporate Interest. And since President Bush hails from the capital of C.I., Unrestricted Greed, he is trying to convince, by way of punitive sanctions, the European Union that they should be allowing these safe genetically modified crops into their farms and supermarkets. Monsanto, the governor of C.I., is generously supporting President Bush's actions.

Now that the ball is rolling on this whole "sustainability" thing, we should really get working on so-called "global warming." A recent study says that the insurance industry is going to be the hardest hit by global warming. This is major cause for concern, because Tuvalu is really counting on Bjorn Lomborg's heavily insured yacht...


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