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The Patriotic Stripper: From Rebellious "Bad Girl" to Military Wife

By Susannah Breslin, The Daily Beast. Posted April 25, 2009.


When Lily Burana married an Army officer, she left behind her life in strip clubs and became a cake-baking military wife. Then came the bombshells.

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Lily Burana isn't your average Army wife. A one-time anarchist punk rocker turned exotic dancer, she resided a universe away from the white picket fences of Main Street, USA. But when Burana married a military intelligence officer, she found herself thrust behind "the camo curtain," and all at once, her comfort zone of smoky, windowless strip clubs was traded for backyard barbecues and patriotic potlucks. And when her husband was deployed to Iraq, she found her world turned upside down yet again. Plunged down a psychological rabbit hole by the grinding anxiety of life as a soldier's spouse, the unfamiliar world of military families became her unlikely support system as the only ones who could truly understand what she was going through.

In her new book, I Love a Man in Uniform, Burana chronicles her journey from bad-girl stripper to all-American military wife, and describes the minefield of post-traumatic stress disorder that almost destroyed her marriage, showing how the long slog through war exacts a toll not only on those on the front lines, but also the loved ones left behind. She talks about the pressure to make her marriage appear perfect, the constant threat of widowhood, and the one word you should never use to describe a military wife.

Susannah Breslin: Did you have trepidations about writing this book?

Lily Burana: Rank has its privileges, and the assumption is a more experienced wife would really have the chops to tell a good story. Part of being in a military family is you're expected to have a game face. You don't just represent yourself, you represent the military and the country. There's much more to life as a military spouse than waiting tearfully at home when you're husband is deployed.

SB: You compare being an Army wife to being a Stepford wife.

LB: The number one way to piss off a military wife is to say the word "Stepford." When you get in, at first it seems that way. It's recipe swaps and cookouts, like it's the 1950s. You think that way is all of it. You think it will stay at the Susie Homemaker level. But this is a life-and-death lifestyle, and a very diverse population. Being a military wife, it's on a continuum with being a first lady, in that creates a long shadow, because you have this uber-wife image: a wife who volunteers and has perfect children and the most patriotic husband. The reality is a lot more complicated. You have to become each other's extended family. In some respects, you enter a minefield. You think you know what it's like when your husband gets deployed, but you can't anticipate it until you get there. The reality is, this is one of the most demanding climates military families have ever faced. You have friends whose husbands who have been deployed four or five times in six years.

SB: Your husband's deployment caused its own form of PTSD -- in you.

LB: The technical term is secondary traumatization. If you look at major traumas -- being in combat, being sexually traumatized -- and then you look at your husband being deployed, it's a lower-case trauma. Secondary trauma is real. If you love someone, you are very connected to them. Their absence is felt on every level. For me, one of the biggest challenges was just not knowing. There's times they can't tell you what's going on, there's a fair amount they won't tell you because it would worry you, and then there's what you do know -- things you know but wish you didn't.


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Some army wives are ok but some can be real jerks.
Posted by: JenniferBedingfield on Apr 25, 2009 4:35 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Some get so annoying in bragging about their husbands "serving". I have come across quite a few who were even not only pro-war but said obscene things about their husbands not being "manly" enough should they choose to withdraw being of them discovering something wrong with the war that the government, media, and top military officials have been hiding. At one point a couple of years ago, I had to console one of my neighbors who was a returning soldier whose wife abused him after he returned injured and fed up with the war. He used to be a strong pro-war Dubya supporter until he realized the flaws of going in. I forgave him for his misjudgment and after thanking me for reminding him of his courage and inner strength, he finally fought back his abusive wife and just two days ago, they divorced.

As to the author, I felt sorry for this army wife but I think that she should have stopped and thought for one moment what marrying an officer when her own life style was totally different would bring. Marrying out of infatuation is what this ended up being all about once again. Man or woman, you have to know what you are dealing with in life before tying that knot. I know I was close to conceding to being a slave wife thrice but I refused to be infatuated. We singles may get made fun of at, and most of all those who never married yet, but there are two things to take seriously about marriage:

1. Compromise but don't concede. Work out your differences but if your partner is pushing you to concede, then chances are the relationship isn't going to work out well.

2. Never allow a blind infatuation to cloud your good judgment. I expect some fools to call me a purist clown or whatever but getting sucked up by blind infatuation only leads to overlooking other important issues that must be addressed and resolved before getting married. Once the issues crop back up after the marriage is done, life can get rather messy.

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The military is tough on marriages
Posted by: taxidriver on Apr 25, 2009 4:56 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Imagine your husband or wife being deployed for a year or more, and you're uncertain whether they'll ever come back. And when spouses do come back, they're often changed by war.

The strains on relationships and families is one of the truly "hidden" costs of war. You can't put a precise dollar figure on it, but the cost to our country is immense. Yet another reason why "wars of choice" are a disaster.

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» RE: The military is tough on marriages Posted by: JenniferBedingfield
I think Lily Burana was lost in life and maybe she got sick and tired of being too rebellious.
Posted by: Ranjit Kumar on Apr 25, 2009 8:52 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I forgot to add this thought to replying to her, sorry, but here goes. Jenniferbedingfield said that she didn't think before engaging in that military officer. Maybe Lily thought that she was having a restless life and becoming a nobody despite her supposed fun as a stripper. Maybe she thought that engaging in a man who has a "special" job would make her feel better about herself. Unfortunately, Lily got a lot more than what she bargained for as the article points out. It is the lack of proper education that brings about unstable and insecure marriages in the long run. It is bad enough that we often laugh and mock at others who actually think critically.

Another thing not mentioned in this article are military husbands. It should be obvious that as more women also enlist in the military, there will be more military husbands and not just military wives going through spousal PTSD.

By the way Jennifer, thanks for raising some other points on why society forces others to be more military-like in behavior rather than rational. 3 years ago, I was rejected by my dating partner even after the two of us got to know and almost love one another for a year and a half. In the end, she revealed to me that the reason she dumped me was that I was not earning well enough whereas her other boyfriend who is currently in Afghanistan interested her because she loved his macho style over my being a non-rebellious rational man. Maybe the soldier will earn well but will his life be secure? Not necessarily but sadly, my exdating partner didn't look at it like that. I've been rejected countless times like this. It seems to be that if I'm rational and reasonable, I'm "too Indian" whereas if I'm a cuthroat rebel, I'm "American". I've even been humiliated by others saying "Well, if you can't find a woman in this country, then go back to India and get yourself a woman to be married to. Plenty of arranged marriages there !" There's plenty of great things in this country to be appreciative for but I'm not going to allow lack of marriage or dating to force me to go back to India against my will. I was born here but grew up having both eastern and western values. I know we have bad leaders who ruin the lives of millions by these senseless wars but that doesn't make our country bad.

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Wouldn't it be nice
Posted by: willymack on Apr 25, 2009 10:43 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
If we weren't pissing away ten billion dollars a month on two endless, illegal, immoral, unwinable "wars", based on nothing more than rapacious greed and dirty lies? Then again, we wouldn't have articles like this one to read, would we?

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Lily Burana is just another well-off celebrity.
Posted by: Wayne Etheridge on Apr 25, 2009 11:09 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Here's her site: http://www.lilyburana.com

Why does this author want to interview a big shot celebrity who makes money writing such trashy novels for the most part? If she loves a man in uniform, she can't be expecting him to come home any time soon unless she wants to sign up. She's 59 years old and should know better !

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Will Lily Burana join Cindy Sheehan and others in ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?
Posted by: superfeduphoosier on Apr 25, 2009 12:37 PM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
My guess is that she wouldn't want to do that because then she fears that her husband will divorce her and that suddenly, she'll be dirt poor. So here we have another war president ready to further infiltrate Afghanistan and now even bomb Pakistan with Iran not too far out of reach. We can talk all we want about the troops going through this and that but if we want to cure them for real, then why not just end these bloody wars already?

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What A Dumb Broad!
Posted by: yomama on Apr 25, 2009 12:47 PM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Punk rock anarchist turned stripper turned army wife? The real question is how did she meet this guy and why the fuck she fell in love with him? She talks about second traumatization, but I think she had to have some issues in order to fall in love with this guy in the first place, because to marry a military intel guy is, well, irrational.

Clearly she doesn't understand what's in her best interests, and I hope her life decision comes to fruition, like when he's in bed with her and he has an Iraq flashback and thinks she's a resistance fighter.

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I would recommend almost military spouse to treat their returning partner as a patient.
Posted by: Benn_Miller on Apr 25, 2009 8:55 PM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Anyone who returns from the military is rarely what he or she was before they left and getting them to actually feel more like they are at home is generally easier said than done. If your spouse comes back from the military and keeps insisting that everything is ok even when it isn't, he or she is in denial mode and needs to be properly cared for. It is no different from caring for and trying to help an ailing spouse recover from his or her illness.

P.S.:

I also agree with the posters on this thread that when you marry someone, it is critical that one take the time to understand his or her background and profession. Lily Banura's most recent book "I love a man in uniform" is not a good title and here's why. The would get the general impression that she only wants him for his specific looks. Also, another poster pointed out that Lily is 59. On her website, she married in 2002 so she was well past the age of 50. While I have no objection about a man or woman marrying that late, I question Lily's own happiness and judgment in her life since it appears that she made a sudden decision to marry a military intelligence officer although Mike himself is equally responsible for not taking the time to work out the details about his life in the army with Lily.

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um, even *here* militarism is taken for granted...
Posted by: art guerrilla on Apr 26, 2009 4:05 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
there is a reason that the military wants young and stupids to fill out the ranks... (not to mention the 'collateral damage' of victims of the economy who have no place left to turn for a 'job')
once you get older, figure out the score (just a little), and understand that -read your smedley butler- the military is nothing but the mafia-like enforcement arm of kapitalist imperialism, that kinda takes the bloom off the militaristic rose...
ANYONE who joins the military is signing up to kill and die to maintain the power and profits of korporations, period...
ALL the rest is propaganda and bullshit...
NO ONE who has ONE MORAL FIBER in their body should sign up to be a MURDERER for unka sammie... it is all based on lies and rah-rah patriotism that does more harm than good...
*besides* being woefully misinformed and uninformed, WHY would anyone want to join a gang of international thugs and murderers, which is what our military IS...
(NOT what you THINK it is...)
art guerrilla
aka ann archy
artguerrilla@windstream.net

eof

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How many military spouses are going to call for trimming down military spending to reasonable level?
Posted by: CarlaWaters on Apr 26, 2009 5:17 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
As a matter of fact, most military wives don't even protest these god-forsaken wars let alone take on the pols on bloated military budgets. The Military Industrial Complex is all too well oiled up nowadays that they can easily sway people who are associated with those serving in the military not to cut down such wasteful spending. Case in point, let's say Obama announces a cut in military spending. The next day the MIC runs very emotional ads about "supporting the troops" and making it look as if cutting wasteful spending in the military is somehow not patriotic and going against the troops. Since most military wives are already insecure and emotional, this is where MIC can exploit their emotions against cutting military spending. Protesting the wars and worrying about husbands making it through is easy. But nothing will change for the better until more military wives stand up to wasteful military spending that is doing nothing to help or protect their husbands all the while choking the domestic budgets.

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How many military spouses are going to call for trimming down military spending to reasonable level?
Posted by: CarlaWaters on Apr 26, 2009 5:17 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
As a matter of fact, most military wives don't even protest these god-forsaken wars let alone take on the pols on bloated military budgets. The Military Industrial Complex is all too well oiled up nowadays that they can easily sway people who are associated with those serving in the military not to cut down such wasteful spending. Case in point, let's say Obama announces a cut in military spending. The next day the MIC runs very emotional ads about "supporting the troops" and making it look as if cutting wasteful spending in the military is somehow not patriotic and going against the troops. Since most military wives are already insecure and emotional, this is where MIC can exploit their emotions against cutting military spending. Protesting the wars and worrying about husbands making it through is easy. But nothing will change for the better until more military wives stand up to wasteful military spending that is doing nothing to help or protect their husbands all the while choking the domestic budgets.

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It’s simple.
Posted by: Honky The Antichrist on Apr 26, 2009 5:57 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Enlistees are trash. Strippers are trash. It’s a match made in heaven.

- army officer

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And...
Posted by: Pirate1 on Apr 26, 2009 12:54 PM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
The point of publishing this sadness is?

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» RE: And... Posted by: FLYING DOOFUS
Awww, poor army tramp lady ! She had a crush on a uniform dude ! LOL !
Posted by: FLYING DOOFUS on Apr 26, 2009 3:09 PM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I gotta admit that her picture on the front of the book sure gave me a superwoody ! She'd look even sexier when she's gunged ! LOL !

She should have stayed a single or married anyone but a military dude. Lily was the one who screwed up so it's her fault. What a stupid girl ! OOOOOOO ! LOL !

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OMG!
Posted by: 876 on Apr 27, 2009 7:57 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
A sleazy stripper turned American military wife! How shocking and unusual.

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Suffering from a dissociative disorder?
Posted by: kroltan on Apr 27, 2009 6:23 PM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
She may be suffering from a dissociative fugue? "...physical desertion of familiar surroundings and experience of impaired recall of the past. This may lead to confusion about actual identity and the assumption of a new identity."

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$^$#^#$^
Posted by: itouch backup on May 7, 2009 11:03 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
______________________________
Video Converter OS X

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