Gen. Petraeus Implements Military Surge Against Four Somali Pirates in a Lifeboat

In today’s episode of “Pirates,” the most powerful Navy in the world remains in a stand-off with four pirates in a small boat in the middle of the Indian Ocean. So devastatingly threatening to US national security are these pirates that the Grand Puba of militarism, Gen. David Petraeus is now running the operation to rescue American hostage, Richard Phillips. And to defeat these nasty pirates, Petraeus is turning to his steady friend… a good old fashioned military surge.

On the U.S. side, it looks like this: The warship, the USS Bainbridge, is on the scene and “American Naval reinforcements” are en route with Petraeus saying he had called in “other warships.” The guided-missile frigate USS Halyburton (no, this is not a joke) is reportedly among the ships deploying to the area. An “FBI hostage-rescue team, practiced in a patient approach” is also on-hand, while a Boeing surveillance aircraft hovers above. “We want to ensure that we have all the capability that might be needed over the course of the coming days,” Petraeus said. Seriously, who needs the Onion? According to the Associated Press, “President Barack Obama is getting regular updates on the situation [and] U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said the United States will take whatever steps are needed to protect U.S. shipping interests against pirates.”

On the pirate side, it looks like this: Four armed pirates in a lifeboat that is low on fuel. They have about ten days of food and water. Oh, and they have a satellite telephone.

But the plot is thickening. While the US Navy rushes in its reinforcements (it really seems so silly to write this), it looks like the pirates may be calling in back-up of their own: