The Sexiest Antidepressant

By Liz Langley, AlterNet. Posted July 12, 2002.

Let's clear one thing up right now: I don't have anything against semen.

For openers, I've heard it's very good for your hair. In sexual situations, it's a pay off. Like playing the slots, it's anticlimactic to stand there jerking the handle all day just to end up with an empty change bucket. The male orgasm is like opening a champagne bottle: There's a minor coaxing effort, the warning that a poorly aimed shot could put someone's eye out, the audible pop (okay, not really) and finally the joyous flow.

Semen compares favorably to other body fluids, like bile. And many women spend so much time trying to get stuff out of men -- romance, phone calls, straight answers, maintenance work, attention, etc. -- that anything they give up voluntarily could be perceived as a plus.

I'm a little skeptical, though, at the thought of it being an antidepressant. Nevertheless, New Scientist recently reported on a new study which suggests that women who are exposed to semen through sexual intercourse are happier than women who aren't.

Conducted by Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at State University in New York, the study keys off the fact that semen contains mood-altering hormones that the researchers believe are absorbed through the vagina. To try to prove this theory, they rated women's happiness levels according to whether or not their sex partners used condoms. Using a scale called the Beck Depression Inventory, on which the moderately depressed clock in at 17, the researchers found that women whose partners never used condoms rated a cheerful 8, while those whose partners always used them scored a slightly less chipper 11.8. Interestingly the highest levels of sighing plaintively were found among women whose partners "usually," used condoms -- they scored a 15 whereas women whose partners "sometimes" wrapped up scored a 10.5 and women who didn't even bother having sex at all scored a 13.

So, since the no-sex and condom-always sex groups -- those least exposed to sperm -- scored somewhere in the middle, it doesn't really imply that exposure to semen makes you happier. It just means that women who never had to hear "Wait a minute ... " and lie there watching the mood die while he fumbles with packaging were happier than those who sometimes had to put up with this delay.

In fact there are an awful lot of little discrepancies here that could have altered the moods of these women as much as a snootful of semen might. The story says that some variables -- oral contraceptive use, relationship strength, frequency of sex and "the possibility that having a certain type of personality influenced the decision to use condoms" -- were looked at, but didn't effect the results that semen will chase your blues away. Still, things like relationship strength and personality type can be pretty nebulous and they may not have taken some things into account.

First, let's look at the no-condoms-ever group. Women with partners who never use condoms might be in a longer term relationship, long enough to seek a birth control method that feels more serious and adult, as opposed to one you can fill with water and lob at a car. Some women are happier in relationships like this as opposed to ones they're in doubt about. Or maybe these women were just too damn dumb to use condoms. Stupid people are always happier than smart ones.

Second, if the road to happiness is white and sticky, why would those who never have sex be happier than those who "usually" use condoms and would sometimes be exposed to semen? And why would the sometimers be happier than the usuallies? Well, there's a marked personality difference between "sometimes" and "usually." When it comes to condom use, "sometimes" implies a haphazard approach. These people are probably more laid back, possibly drinkers and therefore more relaxed and happy by design. It probably wouldn't matter whether you gave them semen or a pina colada by the pool, they have a "What, me worry?" vibe that's going to make them calm and pleasant, whatever happens.

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