Republicans' Alternative 'Stimulus' Plan in 11 Hilarious Steps
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7. Make a lot of noise about earmarks. Who cares if they're less than 1 percent of the budget?? They have lots of marketing value and can help disable the Democratic government while diverting attention from all the great fiscal and economic achievements of the past eight years.
8. Reinvent history. Franklin D. Roosevelt didn't solve the problem of the Great Depression, but his New Deal program of massive government spending did in fact achieve two key things. First, it nearly halved unemployment, cutting it from 25 percent to 15 percent. And, second, it literally kept millions of Americans alive who would have otherwise perished when no other safety net remained. All of this is a serious problem in 2009, given the desire of the public for the government to resolve the current problem. Solution? Lie like hell. Tell people that the New Deal had no impact and was a complete waste of money.
9. Reinvent economics. Talk about the stimulus package as though it were an ordinary spending bill, loaded with pork-barrel waste. Never make the connection between spending, purely for its stimulative effect, and economic recovery. Argue that it was World War II that ended the Depression, not the New Deal, remaining completely oblivious to the fact that both are nothing short of massive government spending, exactly what the Democrats are doing with their stimulus legislation today.
10. Block action to revive the economy. Even though you haven't got one of your own, carp incessantly about everything that is wrong -- real or imagined -- with the Democrats' recovery plans. Even though the public has repudiated you in two successive elections, and you are the minority in both the House and the Senate, use every tool possible to block action of any sort by the government elected by the people to solve the crisis.
11. Commit political suicide. Yep, that's the ticket. Create an incredible crisis. Deny everything. Reinvent history. Block all solutions except those that would repeat the same disasters of the past. Ask the people to vote for you.
See what I mean?
Who says the Republicans don't have a plan?
David Michael Green is a professor of political science at Hofstra University. He is delighted to receive readers' reactions to his articles ( firstname.lastname@example.org), but regrets that time constraints do not always allow him to respond. More of his work can be found at the Regressive Antidote .