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Republicans' Alternative 'Stimulus' Plan in 11 Hilarious Steps

Deifying Ronald Reagan, practicing voodoo economics ... who says Republicans don't have a fiscal plan?

I'm kinda pissed off at the lousy treatment America is giving to Republicans these days.

First of all, in a general sense, it just seems ungrateful and ungracious. I mean, Republicans worked hard this last decade to make America what it is today. We wouldn't have the foreign relations we do, or the war situations, or the environmental condition, or the fiscal situation, or any of that stuff, if the GOP hadn't been on the job all these years.

And we wouldn't have this economy, either. Can't Americans show a little respect and gratitude where it is due?

The particular thing that sticks in my craw of late is the reckless allegation that Republicans are just the Party of No and that they have no plans of their own to help revive the American economy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Or, at least, that's what Rush told me. And I believe it.

In fact, the truth is that the GOP has a very sophisticated, very elaborate, 11-point plan for rescuing the country from the economic abyss. And, while the liberal media may be working overtime to make sure you never hear about it, I'm glad to set you straight.

Here goes:

1. Talk a lot about fiscal responsibility. We all know that marketing perceptions are more important than actual realities, and nowhere more so than in this domain. Forget about what anyone actually does. Just remember that the Democrats are always "tax-and-spend liberals," and the GOP is the "party of fiscal responsibility." Say it over and over. Pretty soon, you'll believe it and others will, too.

2. Deify Ronald Reagan, in all ways, all the time. Never miss a chance to remind people of the wonderful powers and accomplishments of Reagan, from ending the Cold War to curing polio and walking on water. If anyone thinks those are some dubious claims, or mentions the one or two boo-boos of the Reagan years, give them that special Moonie stare of the true believer and walk away to where your consciousness remains safely protected from challenging thoughts.

3. Practice voodoo economics. If you run for president, do what Reagan did. Promise that you'll slash taxes, spend way more on the military and balance the budget, all at the same time. If you get elected, do again what Reagan did: Triple the national debt. Because your campaign promises are physically impossible.

4. Practice voodoo economics again. (S)elect George W. Bush as president, and repeat Reagan's amazing accomplishment, this time on steroids. Take the largest surplus in American history and turn it into the largest deficit. Take the federal government's debt, accrued over more than two centuries, and double it from $5 trillion to $11 trillion in just eight years. Spend the money on vital necessities, like massive tax cuts for the already fantastically wealthy and incredibly expensive wars against non-enemies.

5. Talk even more about fiscal responsibility. Wait until a Democratic president comes to office, inheriting the worst American economy since 1932. All of a sudden, relocate your outrage -- previously gone on walkabout -- at the horrors of deficit spending. Only days after the Bush administration has ended, start talking incessantly about fiscal responsibility as if the last eight years had never happened.

6. Have absolutely no plan for economic recovery. Whatsoever. Pledge to do precisely what Herbert Hoover did in 1932: Absolutely nothing! Let people crash and burn as they lose their jobs and health care and homes. Take away the few shreds of a social safety net they have. Don't even spend stimulus funds for unemployment insurance in your state. Avoid the perils of moral hazard by letting (ordinary) people starve.

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