Fun Republican Fundraising Gifts!

"Republicans raised a record $30 million at a black-tie gala tonight from major corporations with issues before the government, but the White House spent most of the day engulfed in a separate fund-raising dispute over a picture taken on Sept. 11.

The photograph shows President Bush talking on the telephone to Vice President Dick Cheney while aboard Air Force One only hours after the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Republican officals have offered it as part of a three-picture set to lure prospective donors to a fund-raising dinner for the party's Congressional candidates in June. The minimum donation is $150." (The New York Times, May 14)

The New York Times did not list all the possbilities for donors. With your kind donation to a Republican congressional campaign committee, you may enjoy one of the many gifts described below.

$150 Photo of the president on the phone after the World Trade Center was hit, asking Vice President Cheney, "So, who's in charge here?"

$200 Ari Fleischer's updated resume.

$250 A personal strip-search from terrorism czar Tom Ridge.

$275 Ten ounces of Bush's faux modesty.

$350 Fifteen minutes with the president as you offer tips on how to catch Osama bin Laden.

$400 A dozen videotapes of the president practicing sincerity in a mirror.

$500 A chance to be a therapist to Colin Powell as he complains that no one listens to him.

$750 Play a game of "Where In The World Is Dick Cheney?" with the president.

$1000 A blank sheet of paper on which you can write your very own law!

$1500 A chance to keep EPA administrator Christine Todd Whitman company for the rest of her tenure (she's really quite bored).

$2000 The Pretzel (bronzed).

$3000 Lessons on how to sculpt Donald Rumsfeld's face, hair and pleasant demeanor.

$4000 A sing-along with John Ashcroft as he belts out his self-penned ditties, including, "I Love America More Than You Do," "Got My Gun, Got My Bible, Forgot My Keys (To Your Heart)" and "Mine Is Bigger Than Yours (Second Amendment Remix)"

$5000 A chance to clean Charlton Heston's dentures.

$6000 Membership in an exclusive group of Republican decision-makers as they discuss the merits of suddenly liking Jews.

$6001 A tour of Bob Jones University.

$7000 A spot at a conference entitled, "When Bill Clinton Does It, It's Evil; When We Do It, It's Patriotic."

$8000 Flip the official White House coin that determines which terrorist/authoritarian governments are our allies and which are our enemies.

$10,000 A vacuum-sealed bag of hypocritical outrage from Democratic leaders.

David Turnley writes satire for AlterNet.