Happy Trailers to You

By Jason Wishnow, AlterNet. Posted May 7, 2002.

Attack of the Clones (May 16)

Trailer 1 is truly inspired, eerily silent except for the measured breathing of Darth Vader and the clash of light sabers at the end. Makes one wonder if George can resurrect his franchise after the fiasco of "The Phantom Menace" (the number four top grossing film of all time). Subsequent trailers featuring dialogue are less promising.

About a Boy (May 17)

The Edgy (but not too edgy) Feel Good Movie of the Summer. The story of a bachelor and the boy who teaches him how to walk the other way in a crowd -- metaphorically, and also in the last scene. Studios release movies like this on the same day as "Star Wars" for a reason.

Mr. Deeds (June 28)

Trailer 1 plays with Spider-Man and Trailer 2 plays with the new Woody Allen film. Either way, you'll feel like renting the original "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town" because Cary Grant is infinitely more charming than Adam Sandler.

CQ (May 24)

Roman Coppola directs. The best of Barbarella meets the most esoteric of French New Wave. A must-see for smokers of Gauloises.

Men in Black II (July 3)

The first one didn't really have a plot but it was a lot of fun. The sequel has the same plot, but with real potential for more fun. Director Barry Sonnenfeld has a cameo in the trailer.

Scooby-Doo (June 14)

Big summer movie trailers give away all the best dialogue. Between the TV spot and the theatrical trailer I counted three burp jokes. Jenkies.

Austin Powers in Goldmember (July 26)

There is a type of trailer that plays before the movie is even made. It's called the "Teaser." It means a potential blockbuster -- or, a job opening for rookie writers.

The Importance of Being Earnest (May 17)

Miramax's annual holiday from digital effects spectacles. Morrissey fans rejoice. The trailer insists it's not a stuffy costume drama, but rather, a stuffy costume comedy.

The Lady and the Duke (May 10)

Art house period piece about the French Revolution in which the actors are curiously grafted into landscape paintings. As is the trend with foreign films, the trailer avoids any scenes with actual dialogue (perhaps to draw an audience that might normally be turned off to sub-titles but otherwise enjoys art house films about the French Revolution?).

Reign of Fire (July 12)

The "Unearthed Ancient Evil" Movie of the Summer. Americans save the world. Again.

Lagaan: Once Upon A Time in India (May 10)

More bang for your rupee than "Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham." An Indian cricket team takes on the Evil British Empire.

Swimming (Limited Release)

The indie contender, critic- and festival-approved. A stranger comes to a small American town where the locals have funny accents and shakes things up for a brooding teenage girl.

Stuart Little 2 (July 19)

The Cute Talking Animal Movie of the Summer. Also called "SL2" (Hollywood abbreviation-speak so you think it's "hip" ... a trick about as convincing as a 95-year-old rapping in a soda commercial).

Spy Kids 2 (August 7)

Don't let the title dissuade you. The original is one of the best action films of the past few years and this time around Ricardo Montalban es muy macho. Sure, it's a sequel on the heels of its predecessor and a family film, but it shows real potential for late-night popcorn fare.

Lilo & Stitch (June 21)

You may wonder, "What kind of crack where they smoking when they came up with this?" Disney is (finally) taking the piss out of its sacred franchise and (hopefully) a bite out of summer ticket sales considering its competition.

Hey Arnold! The Movie (June 28)

Even the font is annoying.

Slap Her, She's French (August 23)

This provocatively titled high school girly-girl romp takes place in Texas. I couldn't find the trailer anywhere except on the Internet, and when I did, it was in German. The trailer, not the movie. The movie is in English. I think ...

The Hulk (Coming Soon)

Doctor David Banner; position: scientist. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. Directed by Ang Lee. The first fight scene in "Crouching Tiger" makes me cry, the theme music from the '80s TV series makes me cry, and this teaser makes me wish it were 2003 already (when this movie comes out).

Jason Wishnow is a digital filmmaker.

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