Home
Archive
Newsletters
Video
Blogs
Discuss
About
Search
Donate
Advertise

Sex Is Natural. So Why Are So Many People So Bad at It?

By Liz Langley, AlterNet. Posted March 3, 2009.


The truth is, everyone can use some adult sex education.

Share and save this post:

      

      

Share on Facebook       

AlterNet Social Networks:
follow us on twitter
find us on Facebook

In Special Coverage

Belief:
Atheists, It's Time to Stand Up to Jesus
Russell Blackford, Udo Schuklenk

Corporate Accountability and WorkPlace:
As Foreclosure Nightmares Increase, Will More Homeowners Pay Off Their Bankers in Violence?
Scott Thill

DrugReporter:
Lies About Marijuana Drive People to a Much More Harmful Drug -- Booze
Steve Fox

Environment:
Why We Need Bees and More People Becoming Organic Beekeepers
Makenna Goodman

Food:
Despite Censorship By Beef Magnate, Michael Pollan Spreads Message About the Real Price of Cheap Food

Health and Wellness:
New York May Stop Heartless Health Insurers from Dropping Coverage When It Stops Being Profitable
William Ehart

Immigration:
NYC Marathon Raises Question of Who Is American Enough?
James E. Johnson, Jr.

Media and Technology:
Focusing on Fort Hood Killer's Beliefs Is an Easy Out to Avoid the Deeper Reasons for the Massacre
Mark Ames

Movie Mix:
The Yes Men: Pranksters Out to Fix the World
Mark Engler

Politics:
What Michelle and Barack's Marriage Has in Common with 56 Million Other Ones
Annabelle Gurwitch

Reproductive Justice and Gender:
Fetus-Shaped Potatoes? Going Undercover Inside the Weird World of Right-Wing Abortion Foes
Ann Neumann

Rights and Liberties:
"My Kids Want to Hide Their Identity; They're Scared Someone Will Attack Us": U.S. Muslims Being Targeted
Jaisal Noor

Sex and Relationships:
Instant Sex: Has the Digital Age Destroyed Relationships or Made Them Better?
Vanessa Richmond

Take Action:
G-20 Meetings: Nothing Much Happened in the Suites, and There Was Too Much Punch in the Streets
Laura Flanders

Water:
Why Natural Gas Is Not a Clean Energy Panacea
Stan Cox

World:
With Unemployment at 40 Percent, Afghan Teens Enlist in Army, Police
Lal Aqa Sherin

More stories by Liz Langley

Advertisement
Upcoming AlterNet stories on Digg

Leave it to me to bogart the pussy.

The pussy isn't mine, it isn't real and it isn't the only one I'll be seeing in the next few days. It is a luxuriant, anatomically correct pillow about the size of a large cat (no kidding).

It belongs to Sheri Winston, sex educator, counselor, former nurse practitioner/midwife and founder of the Center for the Intimate Arts, who is here in Orlando, Fla., to teach classes on Wholistic Sexuality. It's an approach that feels intuitive, taking broad scope of influences into account -- culture, history, biology and mostly our relationship with oursevles -- in helping us develop our sexual potential. Winston's pillow has a velvety vestibule, silky lips and a pearly little clitoris that winks out from the upper center, all to better illustrate points in some of the 52 classes she feels a passionate calling to teach.

The class we're in now, Maps of the Clitoris: Unlocking the Keys to Female Pleasure, (also the name of Winston's book, due out in October) is, in part, a detailed lesson in anatomy, and the pillow is being passed around so we can get a 3-D appreciation for what she's describing.

I admire and hector it just a little longer than I should, when Winston asks for it back to stress a point: women have just as much erectile tissue as men -- you just can't see it as well. By the time full arousal occurs in us, she says, holding the pillow, "You should have a handful of pussy at that point."

The more highly aroused we are, the better sex should feel: "You should not have anything in your vagina unless it feels fabulous." She advises us to check ourselves out with a mirror at various stages of fullness to see what she means.

Thankfully, this is homework.

Most of us have either a comic or uncomfortable image of adult sex-ed class, from Kathy Bates' queasiness at the thought of squatting over a hand mirror in "Fried Green Tomatoes" to more explicit goings-on on late-night cable.

Winston's class thankfully requires minimum nerve. Although I've written quite a lot about sex in the past few years, and have been having it even longer, this is my first sex-ed class as an adult, and Winston's warm enthusiasm and humor is a relaxing intro. For most of the people in my first class with her -- including a mom, grandma and daughter -- this is a first.

"We still have ... a sort of 1950s mentality -- a strong religious and moral code -- which says that below-the-waist and above-the-knees is something that should be disavowed," says Dawn Jensen of Orlando, a team leader and independent consultant for Passion Parties, and founder of an interactive adult sex-ed service, the Sensual Coach.

To the cognoscenti in more sophisticated cities, adults taking classes to have better sex might be commonplace, but Winston's visit to the Florida School of Holistic Living in Orlando presents a somewhat unique opportunity for those of us who don't encounter this sort of thing every day to learn about sex in a nonsexual environment.

She likens great sex to a great spot for swimming out in the woods, to which you've either been given no map or a shitty map. When you get lost, you don't think, "What's wrong with this map?" you think, "What's wrong with me?"

"I thought there was something wrong with me," one of the women in class said of a very early experience she had with female ejaculation. She was 18 when her equally young partner freaked about it, thinking it was incontinence. That freaked her out.

From then on she held back, afraid it would happen again. She didn't realize it was not only perfectly fine, but it was desirable enough that people would come to classes like these to learn how to do it.

Several of Winston's classes this week center around variations on the orgasm -- multiple, extended, ejaculatory or orgasms -- things many people think are rare: only "special" people get these heightened sensations. Not true, Winston says.

Anyone can do it. You just need someone to help you learn how.

Doin' What Comes Naturally

Sex is natural. Next to eating chips in front of the TV, you probably won't come up with a more natural human function. Who needs a class when we animals do these things by instinct alone -- right? Biology conquers all?


Digg!    Share on facebook   submit to reddit    Bookmark on Delicious   Stumble This  

See more stories tagged with: women, sexuality, sex ed

Liz Langley is a freelance writer in Orlando, Fla.

Liked this story? Get top stories in your inbox each week from AlterNet! Sign up now »


Advertisement
Advertisement

 

Comments Turn comments off sitewide Give us feedback »
Comments closed.
The comments for this story have been closed. Thank you to everyone who participated.
View:
I blame Jebus.
Posted by: Honky the Misanthrope on Mar 3, 2009 12:15 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
That clown is always trying to tell me where to put my money and my dick.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» It's not Jebus Posted by: AlexaD
» RE: It's not Jebus Posted by: Jayzer
» RE: It's not Jebus Posted by: clarence
» RE: I blame Jebus. Posted by: Dr. P. Mooney
» not true... Posted by: undrgrndgirl
» RE: not true... Posted by: Dr. P. Mooney
» RE: What would Jebus do? Posted by: jimidee
decent article
Posted by: Eat Politicians on Mar 3, 2009 12:44 AM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
The 50's mentality thing is right on the nose, and most of the "don't talk about it because it's evil" propaganda comes from religion or Dworkin feminism.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» actually Posted by: Eat Politicians
This comment has been removed from the site due to non-compliance with AlterNet's community policies.
Sorry, this comment has been removed from the system.
» Ahh, yes. Posted by: AlexaD
Sorry, this comment has been removed from the system.
Sorry, this comment has been removed from the system.
» Just out of curiosity... Posted by: Quicksilver
» Obviously a leg man Posted by: kegbot1
» Sigh. Posted by: kegbot1
Dworkin Again?
Posted by: Arlene on Mar 3, 2009 3:02 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Andrea Dworkin described sex as a construct in a patriarchal system where sex is something a man "does" to a woman or a man "gets" from a woman and she gives for a consideration, i.e., money, lifetime contract, etc., or "takes" from her for no consideration.

At the same time, women are charged as gatekeepers in a rigged game where they are nearly always out of their weight class and get the blame for losing anyway. Think of the expression as it is applied to non-sexual activity as a synonym for being ripped off or taken advantage of.

This construct provides maximization of (re)production for the benefit of a few at the top at the expense of the many. Fundamentalist mormon polygyny is the basic model for this. A few men get the benefit of the labor of many women and children. Excess men used to be sent off to war and conquest, now they are just discarded.

Adult sex ed was done in the women's movement as part of rap groups that were women only. This stuff isn't new, although no one that I know of used a pillow as described, although Judy Chicago's Dinner Party makes use of the imagery in her depiction of famous women.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: Bingo Posted by: Arlene
» RE: Bingo Posted by: Jayzer
Good article, and having a teacher will benefit anyone.
Posted by: yale on Mar 3, 2009 6:35 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I am ever so grateful to my teacher, who at the time was in her early 40s and me just 18. I thought I knew what sex was all about until she rocked my world! She brought me from the awkward state that I was in, to some of the most intense highs that I didn't know existed. It was only about a weeks worth of painting, but it took about 5 months to paint her house because she helped!

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» You lucky, lucky b@stard :) Posted by: kegbot1
Amusement Prevails
Posted by: sunnywater on Mar 3, 2009 7:19 AM   
Current rating: 2    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
This is a humorous article.

It reminds me of something you'd read in the great National Lampoon Magazine.

The best line...

"Sex is natural. Next to eating chips in front of the TV, you probably won't come up with a more natural human function."

I nearly passed coffee through my nose.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

Oh come now, it's not so hard. You're making a mountain out of an ant hill !
Posted by: maxpayne on Mar 3, 2009 7:39 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I'll admit that my wife and I having sex is easier on nights after stressful days. The least we'd do is play with each other like kids and tickle each other and then before you know it, we're having sex. Oh, and we often do it in the rain. :)

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

and each partner is equally skilled?
Posted by: hardwroc on Mar 4, 2009 11:55 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
So, you say that every partner you've had was equally skilled and pleasured in your life?
OR, would you agree that some seemed very skillful and others like blindfolded children trying to find the doorknob in a gymnasium?
I have known women that knew exactly what where and when to touch, feel, etc, and others that laid in waiting to be pleasured while being the equivlaint of a manikin.
One woman in my life was married for 4 years and had never had a man induced orgasm. So, I suggest that some teaching in "introspection" at the least would help many women to find what makes them happy and in turn they can relay those intimate details to those they share their intimate timew with.
If it hurts when someone does x, ask them not to do x.
A friend of mine related that his wife of nine years always made a squeal when they had sex, and he was so happy to bring her to that level of pleasure.....until she finally related that it was a squeal of discomfort. NINE years to finally feel free enough to say, um, that hurts!
These classes help them learn to open up and be honest, because that is ok.
Hell, we give drivers ed, and look at the drivers around you. I think they should teach this in school....OK, senior year. LOL After prom.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

Great Sex Matters!!
Posted by: Melodybrooke on Mar 3, 2009 7:58 AM   
Current rating: 1    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Great article. Funny and insightful. Sex is natural, but we act like its something bent. The truth is the first line of defense against the onslaught of divorces is the bedroom. If a couple is having great sex, they are much less likely to get divorced. Encouraging and teaching couples to have great sex is what will keep families together. Throughout history sex was thought to be very shaming regarding any aspect of sex (masturbate and you will go to hell) but God gave us the ability to experience sexual pleasure for a reason, to bind us to each other. Learning how to do this is the real trick. There is as a website, http://www.thisisgreatsex.com that sells very inexpensive streaming videos on how to create and keep the sexual bond alive, it doesn’t teach technique so much as the emotional tools for getting and remaining closely bonded through sex. Check it out!

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: Great Sex Matters!! Posted by: phatkhat
» RE: Right on! Posted by: jimidee
Okay, but what about men?
Posted by: vangogh69 on Mar 3, 2009 8:10 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I'd argue that if women's conceptions of sex are stuck in the 1950's, then American men's are stuck somewhere much further back. As men, we are taught that our zones begin and end in our genitals with the consequent that we fail to honor our entire bodies (leaving the mind/soul out of the equation for a moment) as sex objects. We confuse "getting off" with giving or receiving real pleasure, the consequence of which being that many men know the same about sex as they did at 17 years old.

This article was more of a gloss than anything...a woman-centered, heteronormative gloss.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: Okay, but what about men? Posted by: astralman
Practice ...
Posted by: JimmyBoi2 on Mar 3, 2009 8:17 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
... makes purrrfect.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: Practice ... Posted by: Brian Charles
This comment has been removed from the site due to non-compliance with AlterNet's community policies.
Surely the reason's obvious?
Posted by: BigRon on Mar 3, 2009 9:45 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
We're all hardwired to think of ourselves as "the norm" - everyone else (male, female, young, old, current, historical...) is pretty much EXACTLY like me. I've travelled the world enough to discover that it just isn't true. Other coincidental evidence further demonstrated it - when a Psychology student, I was introduced to the concept of "Infantile Amnesia" (the idea that we forget pretty much everything that happened to use before were were five or six years old.) Problem is... I remember events with complete clarity that I can date with precision (because of where they took place, for example) as far back as being just 18 months old. I remember details of my second birthday - in New York. As it's the only time in my life I've been there, I can be pretty sure of the date. But I'm getting distracted... the point I was trying to make is that (assume otherwise 'though we do) we are NOT all alike. But the differences are often invisible: they can only be perceived by others when we reveal "who we are" by talking about it. That pre-supposes two events: that we KNOW who we are, and that we're able to talk about it. The fact is... we often can't. It's a cultural construct. Couples who happily do the most intimate things to each other's genitalia in the bedroom find it a LOT harder to share their innermost thoughts. And unless the do share them... then the assumptions about "Being basically the same" will remain unchallenged. The key to good sex is a combination of mutual trust and trying out new stuff, secure that your partner won't willingly hurt you, but will report honestly whether the new sensation is desirable or not.

Being able to talk frankly about sex turns out to be an aphrodisiac.

There are two main barriers to good sex. The first of them is pornography (here, I'm referring specifically to video and pictures) which display actions that are the most photogenic, not the most enjoyable, and thus produces a perverted (pun intended!) view of what "works" and what doesn't - further confused by the female participants faked exclamations of bliss that usually seem to have minimal connection to what they're actually feeling. The other great barrier is the presumption - more promoted by women than by men, in my experience - that "sex is something that a woman allows a man to do to her". With that attitude, there's little chance that she'll open up and find out that she's unique. A good starting point for doing so would be either Sheila Kitzinger's book "Womans' experience of sex" or Shere Hite's "Hite Report on Female Sexuality". Through the blanket of anonymous, objective surveys, she'll discover that the range of female experience is a diverse as the delightful diversity of the shapes of their their genitalia. And she'll also discover that NOT BEING ABLE TO REACH CLIMAX from penetrative sex alone is actually as normal as being able to do so. In fact, probably more than 50% of women can't. But so what? There are more ways to kill a cat...

One last thought... a polite, but genuinely felt "Thank you" never goes amiss after sex - be it great sex or "just average"!

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» I blame the porn industry Posted by: BlueTigress
Sex as a Learned Skill and a Spiritual Practice
Posted by: carlfrankel on Mar 3, 2009 9:58 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
These comments are as entertaining as the article, which is saying something. Although perhaps not quite so intentionally.

To the person who objected because the author was taking a strictly physical attitude toward sex. Where does she do that? Where do the people quoted do that? Sheri Winston is an advocate of Wholistic Sexuality, and as a person who's taken her classes, I can attest with certainty that she views spirituality as part of the mix.

As for the commenter who protests that "sex is natural" and that anyone who proposes to help people do it better is a scam artist, I assume the same logic applies to, say, music. We all have a natural sense of rhythm, and we can all plunk our fingers on the keys, so presumably piano teachers are scam artists? And tennis teachers? And swimming coaches?

Yes, sex is natural. It's also something we can do less or more well. Anyone who's had sex with more than one person knows this is true. We can get better at it on our own, or we can do it with the help of people who get help us get better at it a whole lot faster. Sex teachers are as legitimate as art teachers and music teachers ... assuming, of course, they know what they're talking about.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

Taboo
Posted by: Karina on Mar 3, 2009 10:27 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Did anyone learn at school or from a parent how to have good sex? Highly doubtful. We teach kids that if they do X, they can get pregnant. We don't mention the orgasm or any of the reasons why people are so compelled to actually have sex. How long before many of us learned that the 'jack rabbit' sex of our teens was not worth missing that extra 5 minutes of sleep?
I hope that I can develop the proverbial balls to tell my daughter how to enjoy sex and how to know when it's bad. But then she may think I condone it. (sarcasm intended)

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: Taboo Posted by: morticia
» RE: Taboo Posted by: alexalexa
People are bad at sex...
Posted by: morticia on Mar 3, 2009 11:00 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
....or good at it for the same reasons they're bad or good dancers or bad or good conversationalists. Some have innate talent and some don't; some have talent enhanced by training and practice. If you don't have great inborn talent, you can still benefit from training and practice. You may not become Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers, so to speak, but you won't be crushing anyone's toes or embarrassing yourself.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

Not even going to read this before posting...
Posted by: Fog on Mar 3, 2009 11:11 AM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Sex is natural. Mutually enjoyable love making is not.

Now I'll go read it.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

For me,
Posted by: Grandma Crabby on Mar 3, 2009 1:03 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
they key to having great sex was to let go of all inhibition, guilt and insecurity.

Let 'r rip baby!

Granny's crazy videos Go get a chuckle!

Luv,
Granny

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

well
Posted by: Eat Politicians on Mar 3, 2009 8:55 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Your understating her position and in reality she likened any male/female intercourse to rape. She was also very condescending to pro-sex feminism and equated pro-sex feminism to women in possession of men. She denied their agency because they disagree with her...

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

It's really simple
Posted by: BST on Mar 4, 2009 2:11 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
The best sex toys are laughter and mindfulness.

Voila. Great sex.

If you haven't tried them, go for it.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: It's really simple Posted by: alexalexa
» RE: It's really simple Posted by: morticia
Sex is "natural"?
Posted by: Don Quixote on Mar 4, 2009 2:28 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Sex is not always "natural". To know what "natural" is you need to know first what our nature is, which is something the west still ignores but India has known for thousands of years. We have two natures, a lower animal nature and a higher divine nature. So "Sex is natural" is a half truth in the best case. Pedofiles also say that sex is "natural".

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: Sex is "natural"? Posted by: Martin32
» RE: Sex is "natural"? Posted by: Brian Charles
Sounds great!
Posted by: alexalexa on Mar 5, 2009 12:24 PM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I would like to try this thing called "sex." Sounds like it might be a lot of fun. If only my wife were interested.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

"...so why are so many people bad at it?"
Posted by: hurricane hugo on Mar 5, 2009 10:03 PM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Because so many people don't listen.

#@!

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

"COMING OF AGE IN SAMOA" BY MARGARET MEADE IS STILL A USEFUL INTELLECTUAL EXERCISE
Posted by: Raymond Emerson on Mar 8, 2009 10:59 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
for the inhibited. It is uselful to learn what uninhibited is. Cultural anthropology has this to offer. If it varies from culture to culture, it probsbly isn't instinctual or biologically driven.

I grew up among the plains indians. Their cultural taboos about sex were few and, if any, were inherited from the "white man". My Delaware friend, hardly a plains indian, gave his mother a present on his birthday. The right thing does vary from culture to culture. Yes, sexuality should be taught.

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

blame nature
Posted by: jstepp590 on Mar 10, 2009 9:21 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I blame nature because it is biased towards bad lovers.

Think about it. Guys that finish in 1-5 minutes have lots of kids. Guys that last 1-2 hours have far fewer children because we wear out the lady before we get off, and then we end up wasting it on a towel as we wipe off.

:)

[« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

  • AlterNetYour turn

Support AlterNet
Do you value the information you're getting from AlterNet? Please show your support with a tax-deductible donation.


Feedback
Tell us how we're doing.

Advertisement
Advertisement