News & Politics

Bless Me Father for I Have Sinned

Durst dishes the dirt on what really went on between American cardinals and the Pope today at the Vatican.
Dear American Cardinals: Thank you for responding so promptly to the Unprecedented Special Conclave His Holiness has called in order to wrestle this phantom runaway train of false accusations to the ground and smother it like a venial sin in a blanket full of indulgences. The Pope understands the pressures you are under, accepts your assurances the whole mess is nothing more than a media circus, and is pleased as punch to welcome you to Rome, where all the best gladiator movies were filmed.

Please fill out this Questionnaire before proceeding to a short reception in the catacombs where a light buffet dinner will be served before this evening's presentation of "La Cage Aux Folles" by the Vienna Boys Choir. Tonight's theme: Red, Red, Red is the color of my Miter.

1. PARISHIONERS OFTEN NICKNAME THEIR CLERICS. PICK THE ONE THAT FITS YOU THE CLOSEST:
A. Spencer Tracy.
B. Blotchy Thighs.
C. Father Schmoochie-Lips.

2. WHEN ASKED WHAT'S UNDER MY ROBES, I ALWAYS SAY:
A. A steel chastity belt and Jesus has the only key.
B. Just enough to frighten Satan.
C. There's a little puppet town down there. Would you like a visa?

3. I HAVE AN EXTENSIVE VIDEOTAPE COLLECTION:
A. Of Broadway musicals.
B. In a safety deposit box under an assumed name.
C. On loan to The Copenhagen Film Festival.

4. HEARING CONFESSIONS IS THE MOST FUN WHEN:
A. You can lighten the load of your fellow man.
B. You later listen to the tapes on your headphones in the dark.
C. You feel the clinging swish of your fishnets rubbing against each other.

5. ALTAR BOYS ARE:
A. Essential tools to give proper glory to God.
B. Sinfully smooth.
C. Scrumdidillyumptious.

6. AFTER OUR LITTLE CONFAB HERE IN ROME, I MOST WANT TO:
A. Visit the sainted sites of Christendom's martyrs or see "Tony And Tina's Wedding" in the original Italian.
B. Arrange to fly back home a couple cases of decent communion wine
.C. Go to one of those Caligulan Court recreations I've read so much about in the Vatican newsletter.

7. I AM A SPECIAL APOSTLE TO:
A. Jesus.
B. Sister Aloysius.
C. Jason and his brother Jeremy.

8. I'M SO HORNY:
A. But still, I have not strayed in my monogamous relationship with God.
B. I have at times experimented being intimate with a vacuum cleaner hose.
C. When I first moved into my pine paneled room, there were no knotholes. Now there are.

Anybody marking 5 C's or more, please take the time to write up your most memorable encounter which will be placed in The Vatican's private pornography collection -- the largest in the world! Thank you for your cooperation, and go with God's grace.

Will Durst figures he's probably permanently off the bus now and he knows the first step is to accept that.