Cuckoo D'Etat: What Really Happened at Blagojevich's Impeachment Hearing
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It has come to AlterNet's attention that the final day of Gov. Rod Blagojevich's stormy tenure ended in a much different way than the public has been led to believe. Rather than broadcasting the live events from the Capital building, for fear of causing widespread riots, panic and confusion, not to mention the possibility of incurring untold billions in obscenity fines from the FCC, the Illinois state government and media instead conspired to create a computer-generated, plausibly ridiculous farewell video tape, with "Blagojevich" delivering a rambling 47-minute defense that was scripted by Aaron Sorkin, and leaving before the vote.
What actually happened inside the Capital Building was much more disturbing. A detailed description of what transpired was leaked to us by a sympathetic custodian. Wishing to protect his job, since cleaning up political trash in Illinois is a growth industry, he chooses to use only the pseudonym Scours Mopgood. Read on for the AlterNet exclusive.
Springfield, Illinois. Inside the packed Illinois Capital Building. Five wheelchair-bound citizens roll in, four with tubas and one on piccolo, playing an impassioned version of "Imperial Death March 2 (Love Theme from Darth Vader's Honeymoon)."
The impeachment proceedings of Governor Rod Blagojevich, presided over by Illinois Supreme Court Chief Justice Thomas Fitzgerald, come grinding to a halt.
CHIEF JUSTICE FITZGERALD: May I help you?
Following the musicians is ubiquitous boxing emcee Michael Buffer, in tuxedo. A shiny, old-timey microphone drops down from the ceiling on a micro-thin filament.
BUFFER: (grabbing mic) All rise, and show some love for the Gov!
Buffer grandly gesticulates that all should rise, so most of the lawmakers, baffled, do. The microphone shoots back up to the top of the Rotunda.
Blagojevich enters, in a gold lame jumpsuit, with his face painted red white and blue, exactly in the style of Shepard Fairey's "Hope" portrait of President Obama. The embattled governor has ketchup on the front and back of his hands, in the manner of stigmata. Two roller-skating cheerleaders hold up a banner behind him that reads "Frame-Up Accomplished."
BLAGOJEVICH: (to the tuba players) Of course, you guys don't have to rise. (chuckles) But by the end of my term you sure as (bleep) will. As long as these (bleep)ers running this kangaroo crucifixion don't try to jam me up like on my other pet projects. Famine Health care with medical peyote Un-tappable (bleep)ing phones.
Blagojevich digs into the pocket of his jumpsuit, and pulls out some loose change, tossing it with a loud clatter into the bell of the tubas. He playfully musses the hair of one of the tuba-players, getting ketchup all over them.
FITZGERALD: Mr. Blagojevich, what is the meaning of this? If you're here for your hearing, you know full well the proceedings began on Monday.
BLAGOJEVICH: Blagoya-who? I don't go by my 'slave name' no more, Mr. "The Man." It's Bla-rod Omammavich from now on. Got it? You hear that, Chicago Tribune?
CHIEF JUSTICE: Very well. (sighs) Mr. Omammavich, there are 13 articles of impeachment currently being presented against you in the House. Do you wish to address the legislature in your defense?
BLAGOJEVICH: (snorts) Does a (bleep)-ing (bleep) like to (bleep) until it (bleep)s (bleep-bleep) under the pale moonlight? Hit it Buffer!
BUFFER: (grabs mic which descends from Rotunda instantaneously) "Let's get ready to be hummmmmbled!"
Buffer and the handicapped brass section then exit the chamber, the band playing Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," and waving goodbye to Blagojevich.
BLAGOJEVICH: (to his departing entourage) Later gators! (to legislature) I've got them on an hourly. You'd be surprised, but (bleep)ing "Good Morning America" does NOT pay very well. Even after you find the executive producer's precious pocket dog accidentally locked in the trunk of your courtesy car, and you learn that the good old-fashioned American system of rewarding a hero has apparently been gang-(bleep)ed by the (bleep) (bleep)ing penny-pinchers in network TV.