Bush's Speech to the Unborn

Ed's note: Late last week, as Americans were gearing up for the Super Bowl by buying beer and cheese, secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson announced that the Bush administration was expanding the budget of the Children's Health Insurance Program. Among other things, the added funds will subsidize something called "abstinence education" and initiate medical coverage for the unborn (but not their mothers).

In an attempt to link these seemingly disparate initiatives, President Bush recently spoke at the annual Convention of the Unborn, sponsored by ARF (Americans for Responsible Fetuses). Below is the text of the president's speech. [Note: Rumors that the president was to use the event to name Bill Bennett as the nation's first Self-Abuse Czar turned out to be premature.]

What a pleasure it is to be here today, to be warmly embraced by you and to embrace you. Before I begin, let me say how honored I am to speak before such a wonderful group as ARF. ARF has played a crucial role in enunciating the importance of personal responsibility at every age. But by being on the cutting edge and focusing on the unborn, ARF has received unwarranted criticism from people that fetuses ought not be held responsible for their own actions or inactions.

These naysayers say things like, "How can they get a job when they can't even move?" Or, "They are lazy because they are in a sac of warm amniotic fluid." To them, I say this: I have spent many a night in a warm sac of amniotic fluid and look where I am today! (thunderous applause)

I see before me a country emerging out from under one dark cloud only to see another on the horizon. If our children -- born and unborn; conceived and ill conceived -- who are our future adults of the future, make the wrong choices then we face a dark-like future. Those adults will be our teachers, our preachers and our presidents. If we don't instill valuable values in our children, this great country of ours will eventually be led by people who lack credibility. (applause)

Now, what values am I speaking of? For one, the responsibility of youth to act responsibly. For too long, this great country has turned a blind eye to "youthful indiscretions." That's shorthand for "parents are not doing their jobs."

Many kids are young, but they should not also be irresponsible. When irresponsible kids become adults and say, "When I was young and irresponsible, I was young and irresponsible," then their children will probably laugh and tear each other's clothes off, raid the liquor cabinet and buy a baseball team. (standing ovation)

Conception, childhood, the teen years, and one's twenties and thirties should not be a time of "experimentation." If we let our unborn, our children, our young adults and our pubescent adults bow to every whim and urge, in forty years we are going to have a nation with leaders -- and maybe even a president -- completely unfamiliar with how to make it on one's own.

If people say I'm old fashioned because I'm out here stumping for abstinence and youthful responsibility, then I'm proud to say that I'm old fashioned. Laziness in the womb leads to many boozy formative years, which lead to an aimless adulthood.

In closing, I just want to say that chastity ought not be chastened; purity ought not be punished. Let's spread the gospel of cleanliness, for a reckless childhood only leads to a reckless adulthood.

Thank you and God bless America. (applause, standing ovation)

David Turnley writes satires for AlterNet.org. He can be reached at (davidturnley@hotmail.com)