Pretzelgate: What Really Happened?

Last weekend President Bush was reported to have choked on a pretzel, passed out and suffered a bruise on his cheek after hitting the floor. Given this highly unusual chain of events, speculation has been rampant as to what really caused the contusion on the presidential facade.

The official White House line says that the president was alone with his dogs watching a football game while the First Lady was in another room on the "telephone." But other accounts put different people and animals in the room with Bush, including Vice President Cheney, national security advisor Condi Rice, seven male strippers (with tassels), defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld (also with tassels) and Bush's daughters.

Some of the rumors about the true cause of Bush's wound include:

-- Fighting with his dogs over the pretzels.

-- Breaking up a drunken brawl between daughters Jenna and Little Barbara.

-- The President wanted to watch "SpongeBob SquarePants." Rumsfeld wanted to watch "Rumsfeld's Greatest Press Conferences." Melee ensued.

-- Bush tipped over while goofing off in Cheney's wheelchair.

-- The president wrestled an unidentified primate for the last pretzel.

-- Rice smacked him for not listening during a national security briefing.

-- The president was over-exuberant while rubbing cash from Enron CEO Kenneth Lay on his face.

-- During strippers' faithful rendition of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves," Happy got a little too happy with Snow White, if you know what I mean.

-- Bush choked on a pretzel and passed out.

David Turnley's first satire for AlterNet, about military tribunals, doesn't seem so funny anymore.