Patriot Sale 2001
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Dear Mr. and Mrs. American Shopper:
During this troubling time that finds a lot of us worrying about all sorts of stuff that is just gosh darn no longer in our control, like the instantaneous incineration of thousands of people or descending clouds of the anthrax, we understandably might let slip from our minds the fate of the little people who are suffering every day. Who are living lives of desperation during this holiday season fully aware of the danger of losing everything they have taken years to accumulate. Good decent Americans who have become paralyzed with anxiety.
My friends, I'm talking about the stockholders of our company. We here at Skounkers Department Store are proud to have served this community for over 60 years, the last 7 as a division of Mega-Marts Inc. And in order to encourage you, the American consumer, to follow the President's advice to go shopping for America, all of us here at Skounkers Department Store are delighted to be instituting a series of special events to make this retail therapy a more secure and patriotic experience during this, the most holy of all our holidays; the Xmas shopping season.
* The challenge is terrorism. The answer is a 20% Patriots Sale(tm) on everything in the store! (Not including video games or consoles)
* On Saturdays and Sundays between now and Christmas: have Breakfast With Santa and laugh and cheer as Mr. Claus and the Elves clean Osama bin Laden's clock! Your child could be chosen to shave off the evil doer's beard!
* At your leisure, inspect each and every one of our employees' signed loyalty oaths!
* Finish the entire triple decker Yankee Doodles(tm) desert by yourself in our "Remainders Cafeteria" and receive a free "I'm a Pig for America" button!
* See our fabulous 25 foot North Pines Xmas tree festooned with one of a kind ornaments etched by a nationally renowned artist featuring individual images of the different aircraft, weapons and vehicles being utilized in Operation Enduring Freedom!
* Specially trained guards will be posted at entrances to harass and detain anyone even the slightest bit swarthy!
* Wear red, white and blue and receive a free commemorative Skounkers Department Store American flag bottle opener!
* Play "Knock the Bourka off the Mannequin" and win a free box of ammo in our Sporting Goods department!
* View live closed circuit coverage of all dressing rooms on our Giant Xmas Video Tree(tm) in Home Electronics! And remember, by not coming down to participate in our fabulous once-in-a-lifetime annual end-of-the-year Patriots Sale(tm), we're just letting the terrorists win.
Will Durst doesn't want the terrorists to win, he's just not sure how bad he wants us to either.