What Your Sex Life Will Be Like in 2009

A friend once described his sexual appetites this way: "A hungry junkyard dog is more fun than a poodle." He's going to be one happy puppy after he reads my five predictions for sex in 2009:

1. You're going to have a lot more of it: The recession that hit your pocket will tickle your crotch. Call it Recession Sex. If you're coupled, you're going to spend more time at home and at some point that TV's gotta be turned off. The nesting impulse will increase your resting pulse. That's the good news. The bad? As discretionary income goes down, indiscretions go up. Oops. If you're single, you'll have the time but not the money to fritter away at bars. You won't wait for the last-call yard sale so you'll probably lower the bar to increase your odds.

2. You're going to see a lot more of it: Larry Flynt once said, "There are two kinds of people who oppose porn. Those who don't know what they're talking about and those who don't know what they're missing." Well, ain't nobody missing it anymore. It's everywhere. The mainstreaming of porn in art, fashion, and media is turning adult videos into a sort of Zen koan: No matter where you go, there it is.

3. You're going to be paying a lot less for it: Nobody's going to put call girls in a higher tax bracket this year. With a tanking economy, streetwalkers, pole dancers and gold diggers alike are going to have to give it up for less. So are the online dating sites, as they compete with free sites like Plentyoffish.com, Okcupid.com, and DateHookUp.com. It's like they've been working a corner for years and now some hussy's going to do the job for free. Oh, my.

You might blow a lot of things up for porn but it won't be your budget. You don't have to buy it anymore. Hell, you don't even have to rent it. You just have to point your browser to free sites like Youporn.com and xtube.com, where amateurs and pros upload unstoppable watchables. Offline piracy, illegal downloads and free video sharing sites are going to make dinosaurs out of adult video studios. If they don't figure out how to compete with "FREE" soon, their last movie is gonna be about their profits -- Gone With The Girdle.

4. You're going to be doing it with things that are smarter than you: Safe sex is not a padded headboard, but it is programmable. Take the SaSi vibrator. It's a sort of iTunes dildo -- it remembers your favorite vibrations so you can play them later. Make it go left, right and a little to the side and it'll 'record' the vibrational combinations, releasing you from, well, all that hard work.

5. You're going to see videos of strangers before you do it with them: Online dating sites have already introduced relevant searching methods, instant messaging, and mobile phone access to pictures and profiles. What's next? Videos. They'll get rid of flakes that use fake pictures, serving as a kind of Venus Lie Trap. Watch AOL's beta test of love.com, the first to bundle Instant Messenger, audio and video into a traditional dating site.

My bottom line prediction for sex in 2009: The No Pants Dance craze will sweep the nation.